Forty Years Later

Tickled Pink in Hog Heaven!

 

Katy and her Dad

Katy and I are in hog heaven today....ha ha. I started to erase that stupid phrase.  Just something we said in the south.  But looking at it again carefully I have to wonder where in the world did a saying like that come from?  Surely if the hogs were in heaven their journey there couldn't have been very pleasurable!  Oh well...I'll leave it!  To rephrase...Katy and are are tickled pink (that one I understand) that my son, her dad is coming tomorrow for an entire week.  He'll be here for some fun everyday Life things like soccer practice, homework, and two soccer games, plus best of all, Halloween!

Halloween is a lot of fun here.  Perhaps I should say Halloween here with a ten year old girl is fun.  I am working the school party on Thursday after which we'll go eat pizza. Those lovely Amish women I mentioned in my post about Western Days are preparing  four dozen of their indescribable raised, fried, glazed doughnuts as my contribution to the party food.  Then Friday on Halloween the county's entire population of children will swoop into downtown in their costumes to trick or treat the stores on main street and the small surrounding neighborhood. The houses are so far flung up here in the mountains that people don't get little ghosts and goblins at their doors.  So the merchants provide a safe (paved, level!) haven for all the spooky happenings.  Some of them really get into it, setting up scary displays and acting silly.  It's lots of fun.  And somewhere in there we'll squeeze in the haunted house at the fire station and the Halloween Fair in the gym, put on by the high school band.  Like Western Days, Halloween here is small town America at its very best.  We are just so happy Max will be here to enjoy it with us.

I am looking forward to his visit with more pleasure than I have in years.  He and his dad have been at odds with each other for a long while.  (FH has been so careless with those who love him.) And for the last several years I looked forward to any visit, including Christmas with more dread than cheerful anticipation, and every visit was marred by anxiety and stress.  But oh what a difference now!  He met Katy and I up in Northern Colorado this summer and we had such a fun time.  Max can be fun and he can make me laugh like no one else can when he turns on the antics.  Big, big laughing. And could I use some of that!  It feels so good just to look forward to a visit from my son.  So natural, like a cold, clear drink of water.

He and I have lots of plans to talk about, and I have a list of computer issues I hope he can clear up for me.  He is going to help me do some things around here including moving things out of the garage down to the barn for my sale in the spring, but mostly we'll just have a good time.  He and Katy are going off on a Dad/Daughter field trip on Monday and need I say, her anticipation is also running high.

We will see him every month for the next few months.  I am going up to Northern Colorado to stay at my sister's for Thanksgiving and Max is coming.  Hopefully Katy will be there but the custody agreement does give her mother access here in Colorado for Thanksgiving if she wants it and arranges something.  I don't know what will happen there and in fact I won't know until the last minute, I am sure, though it is most likely that Katy will be with me.  So Katy doesn't know her Dad is coming for Thanksgiving just yet.  If she was unable to be with him in Colorado for that holiday, she wouldn't be happy.  He will return for Christmas here in the mountains, and then in January he is meeting us in Denver for a long city weekend.   I had been dreading the holidays.  Much like I dreaded my birthday in September.  But I am feeling that dread drain out of me; it is being replaced by a much more upbeat and positive emotion.  Actually, this holiday season, much of the negative factor...oh, ok! Let me be honest: THE Negative Factor is no longer in my life. That's a plus.  In fact, all around, most of the time (no, not every minute, but a whole lot of the time)  I'm starting to look at my divorce as a gain, not a loss.

From there, it's forward all the way! (Yes, yes, with the exception, I'm sure, of the occasional set back.) Geeze!! There is this yappy little person living in my head always trying to quantify my happy statements with an insistence on mentioning any possible negative influences that might likely impact my happiness.  Does everyone have one of these crabby, negative women living in their heads? I'm clearly getting the upper hand in this twosome, at least at the moment, but she can drive a NORMAL woman nuts!  I say, just let me enjoy the moment, bitch!

Ahhhh. Silence. That's better.

Ciao, friends!

p.s.  can you tell, I always add my heading last? ha ha. 

Vampire Nights!

I'm writing tonight to say I'm not writing tonight!  I'm headed for bed with two Dove Dark Chocolate Promises, six almonds (three per chocolate),  and a book.  I've gone and gotten myself hooked on a series of vampire books. I've always had a soft spot for vampires and witches.   I don't like overly dramatic stories full of blood and gore.  I like my spooks to read like they could be the innocuous neighbors down the street with an underlying sense of menace.  Almost believable.  Actually, I do believe in witches, but vampires are a different story.  Still, they make for great reading.

I'm reading Stephenie Meyer's "Twilight Saga", four books, each the size of a small dictionary.  Unless the one I'm currently engrossed in, book two, "New Moon" takes a turn for the worse, I'm doomed.  These are actually supposed to be teen books, but I believe they are getting quite a lot of adult reading also.  And here's the amazing thing, Katy's now reading the first book, "Twilight".  When she saw me reading "Twilight", she told me a friend in her class was reading the same book so I said, casually, Oh, so do you want to read this when I'm finished? and she said yes.  I'm delighted.  There isn't anything in it she shouldn't read.  No sex, no blood and gore.  Just a more adult level of reading.  And really, the vampires are quite civilized!  Good practice for her.  I remember sneaking books from Mother's book shelf early on and most were probably not G rated.  I read Tropic of Cancer at 12.  She didn't know it though.

So, I'd better run.  I turn into a pumpkin with no energy if I'm not asleep by10:30 so I've only got a little over an hour to read. 

Scary dreams guaranteed tonight!

Glee In The Midst of Chaos

 

You start off with one thing, end up with
another, and nothing's like it used to be,
not even the future.
                                       -Rita Dove

Certainly my  future is nothing like it used to be.  And, no, I'm not complaining.  Really, I'm not.  In fact, I'd have to say this has been a stellar ten days or so.   That's an amazing thing for me to say considering the meltdown going on with my hard earned money and the potential for stress and anxiety that warrants.

Sure, I've been worried all along about the awful financial news.  But it was a stealthy, kind of unformed, push it out of my mind kind of worry that was quietly gnawing away at my stomach and my peace of mind at the same time,   I don't watch the stock market rise and fall, or fall and fall throughout the day; that's surely the path to craziness. Instead I check in once at the end of the day to see how much it plummets.  I don't worry about it too much because I do  believe it'll come back and I'm not about to sell stocks when they are low.  I have other investments and I have this house which is a fat part of my nest egg when it sells. But I do have a bit of a problem.

What I worry about is good old CASH and having enough of it till something changes.  I don't want to sell my security at a fire sale price.  I am always aware that whatever I've got may be all I'll ever have.  That's how you think when you are my age and you don't work anymore.  In the past there was the comforting knowledge that all I had might grow a little, but that feeble ray of sun has been obliterated by the black cloud of others incompetent stewardship of our fine financial balance in this country.  I took a deep breath and decided to examine and get intimate with every area of my personal financial situation refusing to shy away from the fear. Afterwards I coined a new phrase:  I have to hoard my liquidity. (Suzy Orman would be proud.)  And somehow, once I began using that phrase to myself, I've felt just as chipper as a little chipmunk storing acorns away for the winter.  It made everything so crystal clear in my mind. Whatever choice I'm facing:  this faucet or that one for the bunk house? I just say to myself, I have to hoard my liquidity,  and I choose the one I don't like as much which, of course, costs less.  The bunk house at the barn is a liquidity munching project I must continue in order to put the house on the market; there are several of those.

So I cut things out and cut things down, but the most important thing I decided was to sell my stuff on ebay,  amazon, antique shops and craig's list with a big barn sale in May.  I have so much stuff I can practically start my own store. And FH left most of his stuff (just sell it  he said throw it away, I don't care. The man wanted to leave that badly!).  Lots of the stuff resides up there in the  garage with the rat. And tons more stuff lives down in the barn.  I have decided that I will go to work.  Selling my stuff will be my work.  In addition to all the other stuff, I have enough books to establish a pretty good on-line bookstore at Amazon.  I have hundreds of gardening and decorating books alone, not to mention cooking, the Civil War, World War II, arts and crafts and a very large horse library.  I have so much STUFF.  But, now perhaps that stuff will become a blessing rather than a curse.

I'm busy making plans, researching prices on the net, writing descriptions and all that; just figuring out how to do it all.  And it seems that I'm gliding through the days quite happily occupied.  Today, I paused to express gratitude to the Universe for this way I am feeling, the feeling that I've crested the hill.  And when I thought about that...cresting the hill, so to speak...I realized that Wow! He's wearing off.   FH (former husband) is wearing off me and I'm beginning to truly feel free. Physically free.  Emotionally free. Mentally free.

Halleluja!  

A Favorite Book

...moving on isn't as much about taking a few steps forward as being willing to untangle and then ruthlessly uproot whatever's holding us back.

                      Sarah Ban Breathnach  

Oh yes. I believe this. 

 

It's unbelievable the primitive feelings that are aroused by rapid change.

                       Sheila Balantyne
                  

I can certainly attest to the truth of that quotation too!

Both of these nuggets of wisdom are found in Sarah Ban Breathnach's book, Moving On, now one of my favorites of all the books she has written.  When I first got the book in 2006 I read a little of it then put it down and didn't finish.  I actually thought the book wasn't relevant to my life and my marriage at the time.  Considering that was only two years ago, I understand now that I was not acknowledging  the fact that it was entirely relevant to both my life and my marriage, and reading the book was causing feelings and fears to rise to the surface that I didn't want to examine.  I picked the book up again this past spring, and have read it, highlighted quotations and entire paragraphs, and now have it looking quite dog eared.  A comfortable, loved book. As are all of her books it's filled with not only her brand of wisdom, but wonderful quotations from dozens and dozens of sources and a bibliography in the back of the book rich with new reading.

It is a brave book for her to have written because most people prefer maintaining their images, particularly if the images are their golden eggs, to telling the world of their failures and disappointments. If Simple Abundance the book, and her entire Simple Abundance empire is all you know of her, you may assume that her life thereafter was gilded in happiness. A well lived life of enviable riches. But as good old Life has a way of doing, it threw her a massive string of shocking surprises, and every area of her life and everything she knew and believed changed.  She lost money (huge amounts), her home, her husband, and her happiness. She endured a terrible and terrifying head injury and months and months of depressing recovery that stole her confidence and almost got away with her talent as well.  She freely admits to many faulty decisions.

It is the story of how she was finally able to move on.  How she consciously and with intent moved on and created a new home and a new life for herself.  And by sharing how she did it, she has inspired me greatly as I forge my new path into the future. 

Now don't think you have to be divorced to get a lot out of this book. It isn't just about moving on from a divorce...it is about wanting or having to shed your current life or a portion of it and going forward to embrace something new, fresh, interesting, satisfying.  A life and a home that speaks to your soul.

Sarah talks about the place we women hold sacred...our homes...and ties purposeful domestic enrichment to creating happiness.  The crux of this book is really about decluttering our lives, both physically and emotionally, and creating our "house of belonging" whether it is the physical house of our dreams or not!  As we do that we are also creating a life of belonging.

Yes...I love this book.  I picked it up this morning to read some passages again and when I sat down to write my post I just decided to share the book with you.  This isn't at all the post I planned to write, but I'll write that one tomorrow.  I believe this book must be out of print because Amazon only offers it through their third party sellers.  Best of all, it is priced at just a dollar fifty.

How can such a treasure chest of inspiration and ideas cost so little?

  Katy this morning enjoying the first fire of the year.

Autumn fully arrived in the aspen grove behind the house.

Messages

Message in a chocolate wrapper.

Spotting the messages that you're longing for from the Universe is often a lot like finding your first agates on the beach.  You have to look very carefully to find them. You have to use all your powers of observance.  But once you figure that out and get the hang of how to look, you start seeing them everywhere; and you think to yourself Oh, I didn't realize they would be so subtle.

Many messages are so subtle that if we aren't looking, or opened to them, we may not even recognize them as messages. A message might look like a coincidence, or a happenstance meeting with a stranger, or a synergistic occurrence.  Or if we are even slightly mystically inclined, an event like spotting a lion or an eagle, or finding a crow's feather on the back door step, or spotting a rainbow on a particularly low day can make us tingle with the portent of the message, even if we aren't quite sure what  the message actually means. We still feel better somehow for having received it!

Three years ago, FH was squatting at the edge of the pasture examining the grass when a great undulation filled the air. With a half fearful glance above him, he was shocked to see an enormous, bald eagle landing in the pasture just 5 or 6 feet from where he squatted.  He and the eagle faced one another at eye level.  Mesmerized and paralyzed, FH felt his skin tingle as the eagle gazed at him, occasionally twisting his great neck to look around, but always swiveling  back to fix FH with his stare, shielding it occasionally with a languorous, heavy lidded blink. They stood and squatted there in a frozen moment of time for 3 or 4 minutes before the eagle's wide span of wings lifted him off the ground filling the air once again with their powerful noise.  Now, anyone...even the most spiritually challenged person...would have to agree that that was a sign.  Particularly in light of the fact that the golden eagle, not the bald is our regular neighbor here on this mountain.   The event drove me nuts because though FH was opened to the idea that it was a message, he could not imagine an interpretation of the message and so shortly he just dropped it.  I knew the eagle was telling him something, but WHAT?  Hmmmmm, well,  looking back now I can think of a possible interpretation, but one FH may not have acknowledged at the time.  My point is that that  is the sort of message that hits you over the head screaming This is a message! Listen up!  Most are much more subtle.

Ready made commercial messages can be personally interpreted as well, like the message on the Dove paper in the photo above.  Most of those messages are silly, but occasionally I open a tasty chocolate and there is a little message just for me: There is a time for compromise...it's called later. That was my message all right, because I'm not compromising to please someone else for a long time to come, thank you.

My favorite daily source of messages is Tut.  You subscribe, answer a couple of questions about your dreams and goals. Then, each morning when you check your email, there is a "message from the Universe".  Four days out of five I feel that the message is sent directly to me straight from the mailbox of the Universe, when I know everyone receives the same message each day. Somehow, it feels quite personal.  You might try it. It's a great way to begin the day. You can always unsubscribe and if you are religious and have qualms about communing with the "Universe", well call it God.  I'm sure it will work just as well.

If we are opened to them, if we need them, we receive messages every day.  We each interpret them within the framework or our own lives, experiences, feelings, dilemmas and challenges; and then we continue on our personal journeys a little lighter on our feet, a bit more resolved or sure of ourselves, or enlightened. Are these kinds of messages real? Or are they just our own minds grasping at something...anything to help us understand ourselves or help us have clarity about an issue we are facing? Does it even matter?

Sad Goodbyes - New Ideas

 

My next door neighbors Jack and Lucky.  How can I leave

good neighbors like these? 

I said good bye to my friend Paula today.  I went over this afternoon to watch her finish packing.    We talked some about my desire to move, but my needing to sell the house first.  She asked me if waiting to sell before moving is something I actually need to do or is it something I just think I need to do.  Hmmmm. Good question.  She suggested I not lock myself into that idea because if my son moves this summer and I want to move also, I could just rent a little house in Northern Colorado until this house sells.  I might could swing that.  I'd leave this house decorated and furnished of course and I could come here on some weekends and holidays.  I'll have to think about the finances and logistics of that idea.  I'm not sure I want to leave my main investment, but I could hire a caretaker neighbor to look in often and I don't think that would cost much.

In the midst of that conversation, a realtor called and wanted to show her little house in forty five minutes. Panic! We jumped up and began sprucing the place up, stuffing clutter in drawers, and turning on lamps (always turn on the lamps when showing a house!).  While I was washing up a few dishes in the sink, I had a strong feeling that this prospect is going to be the one that buys her house.  Later after I was home, she called me saying the realtor had called and said the man loves it and wants to bring his wife back next week to see it.  Paula has said all along that when the house is meant to sell it'll sell.  I hope this is it for her.

 As for me, it isn't that I am dying to rush out of here exactly.  I mean just look at Jack and Lucky, the lions and the longhorns, all the horses and the herds of deer and elk, the coyotes and the eagles.  I love all these guys and my close encounters with them will end when I move to a bustling town. It is gloriously beautiful and remote here. On the other hand though, I am kind of longing for the stimulation and excitement of something new.  I have this feeling that if I stay up here in the mountains, fairly isolated as I am and with my "hermit" tendencies,  nothing will ever happen to me again.  And I want something to happen to me. Or for me.  I wonder if that sounds crazy...I want something to happen but I've no idea what I mean by that.  

I pledged to Paula that when she comes back for Thanksgiving I'll have my garage cleaned and the stuff at least sorted.  I know that if I don't set goals with deadlines I'll never get anything done.  I'm excited. I'm going to do it.  I'm starting this week.  Unfortunately the first thing I have to figure out is how to get rid of this very large pack rat that keeps building a nest in there and running all along the shelves knocking off valuable treasures and breaking them.  Katy and I scared him yesterday and he ran straight up the garage wall.  ICK.  I can't shoot him in a building and there is no way I'm going to even think about bashing him with a stick or something.  He's way too big for that.  I mentioned in my last post that I'm terrified of mouse traps.  Well the giant traps for rats are really scary.  I'll try poison tomorrow.  I only hope it doesn't take too long. That's one of mother nature's creations I won't miss when I leave, although that's the one creature I just might also find in town.

I'm off to bed now.  It's a little early so I'll lie in the dark and think about all this.  I do some of my best planning in bed at night before falling asleep.  At night, snuggled in my cozy bed, anything seems possible.

Water Off A Duck's Back

favorite spot for deep thinking or day dreaming

My newly divorced self has been forced to learn many new skills.  Like running the air compressor and airing up the tires on my car; setting mouse traps; unfreezing the ice maker; making investment decisions (ha); remembering to pay bills on time.  Dozens of little day to day chores that were the province of FH.  Those day to day accomplishments make me feel smug with the knowledge that I'm going to do just fine by myself, although I am still terrified of mouse traps.  However, there is another skill, not so tangible, but just as necessary that I'm still working on.  That would be the skill of becoming inured to people's thoughtless comments.   When I say "thoughtless" I mean blurting without thinking. I'm not talking about people making thoughtless comments with an intention to hurt or annoy. I'm mastering the ability to let those comments just slide by me.  Like water off a duck's back.

I went to see our one doctor in town yesterday.  Nothing serious, just some little stomach troubles.  I told him I suspected that the troubles are the result of more than two years of high anxiety and stress.  Then I said quietly, FH left. We're divorced now.  He leaned back in his chair nodding and replied, Oh, yes...I heard he flew the coop.  He still in town? Geez, Doc, how about a little  sensitivity.  Then, for some odd reason I replied with a fact I never discuss with anyone around here except my best friends and you, my cyberspace friends, He's left town. He's with a woman.  I can't imagine why I said that....playing the sympathy card?  Looking for empathy?  Nodding again like he knew every damn thing in the world, he said, Yes, I see this all the time. Mainly with men. They get in their 50's or 60's and they panic and then they start  acting crazy.  I nodded back and told him in the spunkiest voice I could muster that I'm doing just fine, thank you, in fact Katy and I are MUCH better off without him. be calm, Anya, it's just water.

Driving down Main street my friend flags me down and insists I stop and have lunch with her and another friend.  In my past life, I would have wiggled out of it.  I've got so much to do. etc.  But in my present life I'm following some advice I read in a divorce self-help book: Accept all invitations. So I parked and joined them.  Paula's off to Florida for the winter: knitting retreat, beach combing, jewelery making. My other friend's headed to Africa on safari for three weeks. (don't even ask me what kind of safari)  They went on about other upcoming plans.  I quietly sat there munching on my tuna sandwich without the bread. When Paula urges me again to visit her in Florida, I remind her I can't. I have Katy. My other friend laughingly tells me Oh, yes that's right, you can't play with the old girls!  This is only a "thoughtless" comment because it goes straight to a place deep in my heart that remembers being free.  A place where longing and guilt about the longing duke it out occasionally.  just water.

Final stop, the hair salon for a trim.  The owner of the salon is my age. I haven't been since the divorce because I wanted to avoid her scrutiny and questions. Are you selling the house?  Are you leaving town?  When I told her Katy and I are moving to Northern Colorado, and her father  is moving there also, and it will be wonderful because we will have a partnership in raising Katy she says, Maybe you can find a place with a little mother-in-law apartment or a house large enough for all of you!  I'm sure I gave her an annoyed glare.  Marlene, I'm not eighty!  For christ's sake I'm not living with my son!  Look, I'm going to have another whole life here! I'm just divorced I'm not throwing in the damn towel!!!! She leaned away from the passion in my voice. Oh. Well.  Good for you, she said.   water just water.

Driving home in the soft yellow autumn light I felt pretty good that I felt pretty good despite a handful of irritating encounters. At home (a quiet empty home with Katy out for the night) I switched on the music, and perused my little wine rack. Putting my hand on a bottle on the bottom shelf...the expensive wine FH and I bought on a trip to Napa four years earlier...I drew it back and redirected myself to the cheaper wines.  But then I stopped...What in the world am I saving it for? I'm drinking this wine tonight!  Moments later I poured a ruby red glassful, nestled into my favorite chair, sipped, and settled in.  quack

Alone But Not Lonely

       "What a lovely surprise to discover
         how unlonely being alone is."
                                        Ellen Burstyn

#1 in the bathroom series

Clearly this was an up day.  At two in the afternoon, I found myself in the bathroom with my camera.  I was putting away an armful of folded towels on my way to the deck to photograph the aspen on the back hill.  This mirror, this room, this lighting is the kindest in the house.  I love this setting because the soft warm lighting takes a few years away, so whenever I want to look myself in the eye and have a serious talk with myself I come to this bathroom and peer into this mirror.

For some reason, I held up the camera and snapped.  And I  continued snapping,  posing,  laughing out loud at myself and having a heck of a good time.  I believe I'll use one of these photos to replace the "about me" photo where I'm standing in front of the shoe tree on the "Loneliest Highway In America". (I'm going to write a post on that fascinating highway one of these days.) I'll edit out the toilet of course.   I was in the best company today... my own company and we had a blast.

#2 in the bathroom series

I am pretty sure I'm either "healing" as they say or going crazy.  I've finally got that working man in and out doing my bidding and I've got the land looking fabulous due to the unpleasantly expensive work of another working man.  Those two things alone have empowered me somewhat and I'm feeling more in control. But I still haven't actually done anything myself with my own two little hands. Haven't done a thing to get this house ready to sell. No, the days continue to drift by with few, if any personal accomplishments, but there is a big difference in the mood of the days.  I think I am actually feeling...dare I say it?...a little happy.  Oh I know the usual drill has been two steps forward and three steps back, but this might be different.  It feels different.  And I know it is somehow related to my birthday because I woke up that morning knowing I felt differently.

So I play music all day at top volume, dance around and sing when the lyrics are especially meaningful (Gloria Gaynor's I Will Survive! for example); spend too much time blog cruising; spend way too much time sampling and buying on iTunes; talk to my fish, Duke, for ten minutes at a time; stand on the deck and gaze; put on lipstick eight times a day;  try on clothes; organize my studio (that isn't work, that's fun); groom house plants. Today I saw an add for Classmates, the site where you can register and look up old high school classmates.  Yes. I joined and then spent a pleasurable hour looking up old boyfriends (just looking of course, no contacting). The list of meaningless but pleasant, time wasting activities goes on and on. From 7:15 to 4:15 when Katy arrives home. At least I am making it to my workouts downtown and I'm actually loving that. I can't wait to get really strong. 

Surely this kind of silly phase will pass and I'll head up to that dastardly garage and start sorting stuff out.  Till then, I'll just go along for the ride.  It's a rather enjoyable one for a change.

 

I did get some aspen photos. Color's coming along.

Yoo Hoo!

This is not a real post, actually.  I'm just reaching out.  

Lorri...are you still out there? What happened to you?