The Strangest Thing

I had a blog dream last night.  It was a dream born of the blog, and included women and dogs from other blogs.  It vividly pointed out to me how important my blog and my blog friends have become to me. This little odyssey began two days ago when I posted "The Perfect Man" about how I (on a big whim with little thought and no idea what I intended by it) joined an on line dating site.  I tried to add a little humor to it, liked it and posted it not thinking much about any responses I might get. 

The next morning I had some fun comments.  Later in the day I checked again and two comments stood out from the rest because they were from my longest running blog friends, including my very longest running blog friend, Susan. If I ever had any doubts that I have an overly sensitive streak in me, my feelings upon reading their comments were telling.  Anxiety immediately filled my belly with butterflies because I thought they were chiding me a little bit, and I feared they had read more into my intentions in joining the dating thing than I actually intended when I joined.  I especially didn't want Susan to misunderstand because her singleness and my singleness are a bond.

I flew to the computer and banged out an extremely long post entitled "Why You Needn't Worry".  It was one of those writing episodes where you don't come up for air till it's done.  I was in the writing zone.  I proofed it and posted it and immediately felt those butterflies whipping it up in there.  Maybe I over reacted a little.  A simpler shorter post would have made my point.  They may think I'm protesting too much. Blah, blah, blah. You see why I complain about my inner voice? I don't know what it was but something about the post was making me uneasy.  Throughout the rest of the evening, I visited my own blog several times to read it again and I'd think, No, no. It sounds fine.  It's just right. (Are you starting to think I don't have enough to do?) Eventually, I went to bed because I couldn't see any reason why it was troubling me.

At three in the morning, my eyes popped open.  I lay there in the dark trying to figure out why I was awake. Do I have to pee? No, I didn't.  Then my memory flooded my mind with the dream.  And who was in there but two women, Susan and Vee , whom I've never met in person. Just from photos, though, my unconscious produced walking, talking realistic versions of them, including cagily surrounding Susan by dogs just so my sleeping brain would really believe it was happening. And they were a little disapproving, worried that I'd hook up with weirdos and sacrifice my treasured solitariness for some creep.  And I realized, in the dream and upon awakening that it really matters how they feel. Then my post popped into my head, and I grudgingly gave in to my uneasiness. I crept down the stairs (Katy's got ears like a dog.) and sat down at the computer, trying to keep my eyes slit and my mind empty so I wouldn't really wake up and zapped the post.  Erased it.

Honest to goodness, I still don't know what it was in the post that bothered me.  On my email this morning I saw that Vee had actually read the post after I quit looking at it and before I erased it!  I could tell by the comment that the "Why You Needn't Worry" post was just fine, though long (like most of mine).

That post is one I printed and will keep, however.  I realized today that is kind of a personal affirmation stating my position on several topics: singleness, men, dating, Katy.  That is why I was in the writing zone; it was coming from deep within. 

The unconcious is so awesome. And so is the power of the blogosphere. 

Enough said! 

Comments

[firebyrd]

That explains it then. I read half of it when I was too busy and thought I'd return to it when I had time cause I was enjoying reading it. Then I couldn't understand how I'd managed to comment on it!!! I hadn't obviously.

Blogging does get under your skin and is so important. And you have to manage your blog so it makes sense to you, without worry.

[susan]

Isn't this all funny Anya because I guess when I really think about my comment (which I did think long & hard about writing, revisiting your post a few times before actually posting it "and" I did try to inject enough humour that it wouldn't be stinging) I felt a wee bit deserted by your new plan. A kindred spirit thinking of leaving the flock ...and so soon. I confess ... it's always ultimately about ourselves isn't it ? If you've become familiar with Eckhart he would say that our egos are talkin' to each other. Wink.

I'm not sure if I've written it on my blog or to you in an email (I think I have) but in the prime of what I consider to be my potential dating life I was surrounded by, and madly in love with, my three dogs, that and I've lived the past 15 years in a village of 800 populated by mostly men of the red neck variety -ick). Fast forward to now and I'm at a point where men seem a bit like alien creatures to me, except a few husbands of friends or gay male friends and I often, lately especially, feel like there must be something wrong with me. How did this happen ? that I've unintentionally bucked the system and find myself growing old "alone" and yet seem to have no desire to "find" someone.

Since Jake died I do feel lonely often ... but lonely for exactly what I'm still not sure (I think it's for a certain big red dog) and I don't think it's for a man. Certainly if a kind, sensitive, intelligent, & handy (would be a great bonus) man fell from the sky (which I hear very occasionally does actually happen) I would try my darn-dest to be open to it but I just can't imagine how or why to seek that out. For myself.

I hope you read between the lines of that comment and realize that it was a lot about me and not wanting to lose "my" new friends who've grown to mean so much to me.

I reminded myself after I left the comment yesterday that you've just come out of a 40 year marriage and perhaps you just need some spice in your new life, something new and exhilarating (in a male form which "is" what you're familiar with).

And me ... well I guess I'm just looking for new spice & exhilaration in other directions.

I appreciate such openness & honesty.

Lots of love, Susan, Miss D, Nessie, Oliver and the L'il Man

[BumbleVee]

Hey!!! just a cotton pickin' minute..... I got zapped!!! hahahhahahahha too funny...

so,.... what did I look like in your dream? Could I please have a cat in the next blog dream ? one just like Susan's Oliver would be perfect.... oh, ...and don't forget to make my face perfect, flawless and wrinkle free...... I can work on the butt wrinkles and tighten up the abs... , but faces..what the hell can we do about those?

that was hilarious that you worried yourself awake about your post.... don't worry.... sometimes we make some boo boo's... sometimes we post things that we wonder about the next day...no biggy..... it's all good... and it's all just part of living.... we need to take it with a grain of salt, or maybe even a big bag of salt. ..and like we all mentioned.... sometimes we read more between the lines than is actually there...or maybe we miss the intended humour, or even the inflection or intonation that would be so obvious in real life.... we need to be sitting right there with the knitting girls, sipping some of that wine.....LOL>.....

big hugs......

[susan]

I was hoping you might comment on my comment commenting on your comment.

Wink.

And that darn Vee she's she's a hoot.

[anya]

Hi. I've been out of town since early this morning. Taking Katy to the dentist an hour and a half away! Also bought very cool boots.

Susan. Darling. I am not leaving the flock. Oh no. See if I'd left that post you'd know that. I believe tomorrow I'll write about the joys of being single and take some from that post (although Vee and possibly firebyrd will have read it already.

Men ARE rather alien. You know, Venus and Mars and all that. But of course they would seem more alien to you. It is the same as if you moved to the country....way out and remote...and never went into a city. Not for 15 years. Then one day you decided to go. Lord, can you imagine how alien that would feel? But you would get used to it and eventually might even enjoy it.

I believe that most of us just fall into our lives. No master plan, things just happen and we don't have a script, never did. Then one day we look around and wonder how we got to this place. And maybe we're ok with the place and maybe we are full of regrets. But I also believe we can create, on purpose, a second life (and a third etc.). Sometimes provoked by a catalyst like my divorce and other times moved to do it just because we want something new. I am at that point right now, putting a little thought into this next life. I can tell by the way you talk, that you probably are ready too. (That small, artistic life you longingly describe.)

I appreciate what you said about the comment. You know, this has been just fine after all because of our discourse. That's a good thing. That and the fact that we can be honest and talk frankly. That good girl friend action going on.

Vee, you are a hoot. I'm surprised you weren't on a motorcycle in the dream since I think that's the only photo I've seen of you. Thinking back, I'm sure your cheeks were as smooth as a peach.

And firebyrd...Susan and Vee have you been over to her site? You should visit....thanks for the support. I would like to worry less. I keep a lid on Worry most of the time, but when it sneaks out, it flourishes. I'm glad you were enjoying that post. I think I'll use it for fodder for future posts.

You probably have a point, Susan. I just want a little something interesting going on...on my computer anyway. I guess a little spice isn't a bad idea, but just now I probably couldn't handle anything much spicier than mild paprika! I still have a little heart burn from that last spicy bit.
xxoo mucho

[Crazycath]

Hi - I got here via black box and you know, I think I was meant to read this post. Because I worry too much too about things like that. And I just had to tell you that you are not on your own and that we both know who our true friends are because our true friends accept and love us as we are.

Great post. I know exactly what you mean.

[Judy in KY]

Hi Anya,
I know what you mean about obsessing over your post. I have written posts then changed my mind a couple of times. I wake up in the night worrying about things, too. The friendship of the women we meet on our blogs means a lot to me too. I like sharing ideas and feelings.
By the way, can anyone tell me what the "black box" is? I've been seeing it on comments recently and have no idea.

[Alexandra]

Good afternoon, Anya.
Thank you for stopping by. I'm glad that you've been able to find a few good blog friends on here. I wish you the best on your online dating...remember, more than anything...to take care of yourself first. :)

**lotsa hugs**

[anya]

Judy, The Black Box is a fun, cool little thing and I have run into some great women through playing with it. Crazycath who just commented today is here through the black box.

It is a little widget you can put in your sidebar if you like. You hit "decide" and a series of choices comes up, i.e. chocolate/vanilla; the ocean/the mountains. You click your choices as they are presented and then it provides you with a link to a blog where supposedly the writer has checked the same choices as you did. Be sure when you are prompted to give the widget your own ideas for choices and write in your url so people can come through you to the box. You'll go all kinds of places. If you do it a lot as you are linked to different places then you'll get into the system. I know Willow has the widget on her sidebar. Just go try it. I warn you it can be a little addictive. Some blogs you leave immediately but some hit you just right and they become friends. It's fun. I'm going to put the widget on my sidebar as soon as I get around to it.

You are right about the women we meet through our blogs. This has been a rewarding undertaking for me for sure.

[susan]

Phew !!

You know firbyrd and Judy's names both show up grey in your comment section and so we're unable to link to them. I know Judy's blog but have not met Firebyrd perhaps a link ?

Hope you have a great weekend and that you won't be shy to share details of your potential suitors. Wink.

[anya]

Hi CCath. Welcome! Thanks for your comment and for relating. I'll pay you a visit today and I hope you'll come back soon.

[Mmmm]

You need to blog more often so we can all be in your dreams! LOL

[Alex]

Good morning, Anya.
I hope you have a wonderful day today! :)

*hugs*

[Tessa]

I've just discovered your blog via the Black Box! YAY!

I've had those 'after-posting butterflies' too!

While reading your posts (which are beautifully written, btw) a book by Joe Coomer popped into my head. 'Beachcombing for a Shipwrecked God' I wonder if you've read it?

[anya]

Tessa! Thanks for coming on in. Isn't the black box fun? I just clicked over to your site, and at first glance it is so utterly enticing, I'll return later when I have time to enjoy every word and picture of it. Did you paint the woman who is your avatar? I love her.

I will go to Amazon and read about the book you mentioned. The title sounds intriguing.