Rite of Passage

Surely decorating the Christmas tree is an important milestone to get through the first Christmas after a divorce.  I got through that one last night.  I can't say it was jolly.

I wasn't even disappointed that I had to get such a little tree.  THE TREE has always been my thing.  I love decorating the tree.....I always go with the same approach: the collection of ornaments I've built over 40 years the majority of them representing a time, an event, a person in our lives(and a couple of really ugly balls I made in home ec when I was in junior high). I've always had a tree as big as the house would handle.  In this mountain home with the mountain lodge type architecture, the ceilings in the living room are way up there...and so has the tree been, 14 to 17 feet. Clearly, this year that kind of tree was out of the question for a barely five foot tall woman alone.  So I ordered a 6 foot tree, figuring I could handle it but when I picked it up it was a five and a half foot tree and I could carry it with one hand. Hmmmm. This is different.

Getting it set up was simple once I finally managed to saw off a little sliver at the bottom of the trunk so the trunk could absorb water.  That only took 45 minutes and a ton of yelling and banging about of that dull old saw.  Looking up at the tower of Christmas boxes that had to be loaded into the car, hauled up to the house, then later hauled back down to the barn was a bit daunting. Katy and I could just manage these impossibly big and unwieldy boxes by each taking a side and it was a struggle.  I decided to take just the ones that said "Main Ornaments". There were five of those.  Loading the boxes, I'm thinking, this is not the proper set up for a woman alone. 

Katy and I named the tree Squirt.  It's cute. Though it was weird being able to stand flat footed and put the white dove of peace, on the tip top of the tree. 

But opening those boxes of 40 years of ornaments was like letting the wicked Genie out of her lamp.  I  wanted to find my very favorites since the tree was so small. I had collected these Christopher Radko hand blown glass, old world ornaments for many, many years. But as I looked for them, I realized how few were left after last year....

Last year, the tree was huge.  FH put the lights on but after that it was clear he had disengaged wishing to be anywhere but there.  But I put on the Christmas music and Katy and I decorated that big tree.  As soon as  he could escape, he headed for bed, but I was troubled that the tree seemed to move around too much at the slightest touch.  I would place an ornament upon it with the greatest of care and it would sway.  I knew that wasn't the norm. Anxiety gnawed at me, but I continued.  As he headed to bed, I asked him to check it. I know it's listing! Something's not right. He refused to walk across the room and look at it.  I did the best I could. It's fine.  I begged.  Please! I'm worried.  But he just went on up to bed.  So with the most delicate touch I finished up and Katy went to bed. 

I sat in my chair, all the lights off except for the tree and my reading lamp and read awhile bathed in the glow from the hundreds of lights on the most glorious tree ever. Shortly, I sensed a movement from the corner of my eye, and turning my head, I watched in horror as that enormous tree tipped, and moving as if in slow motion, crashed to the floor.  The sound was deafening.  I have never before and never afterward heard a sound like that, the sound of dozens and dozens of beloved Christmas ornaments shattering into a million fragments.  I screamed as if I had witnessed a murder, and indeed, I felt I had.  Katy rushed out from her room and screamed in shock. We began to weep.  Naturally, the crash awakened FH. He raced down the stairs, looked wide eyed at the carnage and he also wept.  As he rushed to see what could be saved, he cut his bare feet in a dozen places. My.  I'll stop there.  It didn't get any better.  It was awful.

Eventually he went back to bed, and I stayed up sitting in my chair hollow hearted, the broken tree still stretching across the room amidst gleaming shards of hand blown glass. That night I knew my marriage would not survive.  And besides, who wants a marriage that merely "survives".  "Survive" is the most beautiful word in the world if you are talking about cancer or a life threatening illness, but a marriage?  I wanted something more than just survival.  The tree became a giant metaphor of my marriage.  The fragments of shattered ornaments, reflecting forty years of memories shattered now as well, because even sweet memories can't remain intact in the harsh light of deception and loss of love.

The sad memories of that dreadful night a year ago threatened to engulf me for the entire time of decorating Squirt.  I could only go on, because well....if you have a kid, at Christmas the show must go on. And Katy seemed ok, only occasionally murmuring about a special loss she felt, or caressing an ornament she loves and remarking that I'm so glad my horse didn't break.

I stayed up late and finished. And today I hauled those boxes back down to the barn.  Now I'm sitting here at my desk, writing this and admiring our little tree.  I feel like I've made it through some rite of passage for divorced people and let me tell you, I'm glad it's done.  I don't know what I'll do next year.  Perhaps I'll gently pack away family memory ornaments for Katy to have on her own tree someday and then I may keep my very favorites, the ones that don't represent a loss or make me sad and then....I'll just go shopping for some new ones.  I do love to shop.

Comments

[Mmmm]

Wow, that is such powerful writing it moved me a lot emotionally. i could just picture that tree falling, the sound of it and how it represented the end of your marriage. And now, here oyu are, in a beautiful mountain town--moving on not just surviving, Good job..adn good stuff, Anya. So personal. I feel honoured to be able to read it.

[fire byrd]

This was so poignant Anya, a real feeling of how it was last year for you came across.
I can only tell you that this is the 13th tree I've done with just me and my boy(s) and I wouldn't have it any other way!
So hope the sadness gremlin doesn't get you.
You so deserve to enjoy your hard won freedom.
hugs
x

[Judy in KY]

What a lovely, heartbreaking post. Anya, you are an amazing writer. You are building a life for yourself so much better than "just surviving". I think you should start a whole new collection, each with a new happy memory.

[anya]

Thanks, Mmmm. I am moving on...I think I HAVE moved on. And as you said, I'm in a good place right now. Firebyrd, I appreciate what you say. Reading your blog, I know how you and your kids have been and are doing just fine, though the kids are older now. You are an inspiration to me. Gutsy, capable, funny, authentic. And Judy....that is exactly what I have decided to do. I will make all new memories and commemorate them with new ornaments. If I stick with the 5 1/2 foot tree, I won't even have to spend a lot of money!

[Mmmm]

Anya, it looks like you have built yourself a good support group here! And yes, you HAVE moved on. some feat!

[pam]

What a story! I too, thought Wow, and yet Squirt comes into his own as the Christmas tree this year.A blog I read a while ago featured an Australian wattle tree the children in the family call Gary.Whatever this quirkiness is on our nature, it eventually surfaces through the murk to help us survive.Well done Anya, I admire you so much. My adult daughter is going through heartbreak at the moment, and we decorated the Christmas tree yesterday and it seemed to cheer her up.A Christmas tree does look stunning lit up, but I don't think I will ever forget your story!Congratulations on moving on and I salute your strenth and festive spirit.

[Mim]

Oh wow, that's quit a post. Thanks for sharing it and about the crashing tree with your broken ornaments.
Your little tree sounds just right.
How is your daughter doing with the changes?
Mim

[Alex]

Anya...I commend you for writing so open about your feelings and struggles of facing your first Christmas after your divorce. I can tell that deep inside you are a strong and wonderful woman. I wish you the BEST Christmas...EVER.

*hugs*

[Mrs. C]

Hi, Anya!! Came here via "black boxes." We just got our first big artificial tree because our neighbours were getting rid of theirs. Its branches are falling apart but the children are very excited about it. They sent us a box of lights, too.

Hopefully that isn't a symbol of our marriage LOL! :p

Merry, Merry Christmas to you and Katy. I have no doubt that you will do better than "survive." Hope your house sells soon, too.

[anya]

Hi Mim....you know, Katy (she's my grand daughter, not my daughter) seems to be doing pretty well with all the changes in her life. I had worried so when her Grandfather left her...the third person to sort of do that, but now she and her Dad are bonding deeply and that is a good thing. I believe she thrives where there isn't so much overt and covert anxiety (as we all do) and that is why she is doing well with me at the moment.

Pam, thank you for the kind words. I hope your daughter is getting through things ok. I do think it is easier to go through divorce at my age than perhaps for younger women. We have more resources in every area that help us handle something that big. Give her a hug for me.

[anya]

Thank you Alex for your sweet comment. I am glad that I found a strong old girl in there somewhere when I needed her most.

Mrs. C....Glad you stopped by. I'm going over to check your blog out as soon as I post this. I hope you can visit again.

[Alexandra]

Hi Anya...I hope you had a good weekend. :) Thinking of you. *hugs*

[BumbleVee]

How's it going over here? Do you guys have it really cold right now too? We were at -30C yesterday, but today it is up to -12C... time to make a quick trip to a few shops, post office and bank... some baking supplies and hunker down again for a few more days of bitter cold. It is going down -25 C in a day or two.... brrrrrr.... I'm baking and having the stove on...

I've had every conceivable size and shape of tree over the years. I must dig out a pic of my cute little fat one I had eons ago...I especially liked that little guy. I was in an apartment and just starting out...so didn't have many ornies.... and didn't really want a big one anyway....

Our trees at home when we were kids were down almost more than they were up.... dear old Dad would fall on them staggering past when he was sloshed....or better yet would throw one of us or somebody else into it... .one time he was fighting with a neighbour who was visiting on Christmas day... I mean it was a punch up. They were both drunk, and Dad had to prove to everybody there that he could beat up a Golden Gloves boxing champ...the tree definitely got the worst of it when they both landed smack on top of it on the floor, crushing everything. Just another of those who never spoke to him again. I should probably hate Christmas, but I don't. That's all long gone and I moved waaaaay on.......made my own little traditions, now my tree stays up for as many weeks as I decide to leave it up...and I can't even tell you how many times a day I look at it... admire all the little ornaments and love to take lots of pics of it.....

[Pherenike]

Hi Anya,
Wow thats a moving story you share.

Wishing you a happy Christmas filled with new traditions.

[J.]

That is a really moving story, Anya. All of those years and all that hard work, gone in a moment. A perfect metaphor. Here's hoping for new memories and new traditions. :)

[anya]

Pherenike, I'm so glad you commented. Thanks for the good holiday wishes. And Vee...I'm happy to see you here again. Man, you have some stories to tell girl. You seem to have weathered it all in extremely good form, because you always sound like you've got it pretty together to me.

J....I am so happy you commented. I hope things are going ok for you during this season.

[susan]

I find this story to be tres sad. I wonder how badly FH must have felt. I find people never really intend to be thoughtless and inconsiderate it's usually just they're own shit that they're dealing with that often manifests itself poorly and in hurtful ways.

I've been waiting for news of your other holiday preparations, scenes of winter in Colorado, photos of the new petite tree, holiday decor, menu plans or baking, etc...

We're just kind of counting the days until it's thankfully over and done with for another year. Bah humbug & much love from the gang at 29 Black Street

[anya]

It is a sad story, and FH was unbearably sad. He wept like a baby. Except for the fact that he was having an affair for god knows how long, he treated me like a princess for most of the forty years. I can't complain about that, and I suppose that what I didn't know didn't hurt me for a long time.