Forty Years Later

My Non-Milestone!

Pinon pine cones looking just like little flowers.

Every life, every marriage has milestones, "a significant point of development", according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary that I keep by the computer.  And every divorce has milestones and I've gone through several:  the signing of the papers, taking a 3,000 mile driving trip alone, my birthday, getting through Christmas, going out with a man for the first time, are some that come to mind.  And this week there was a big one:  date of the wedding anniversary. 

Our wedding anniversary would have been on Monday the nineteenth.  But here's the most delightful part, and the most self revealing....I didn't even realize it.  And yes, I knew it was the nineteenth.

Katy and I met my sister Lissa in Denver this past weekend for GNO as Katy calls it (Girls Night Out), though it was more of a GWO (Girls Weekend Out).  The Stock Show is going on in Denver and in conjunction with it each year there is a "Super Dogs" show so I bought tickets, and we invited Lissa to join us.  We had a blast cruising the stock show, staying in a hotel together, and going to the dog show. "Super Dogs" originates out of Canada, but the dogs and their owners are from all over Canada and the U.S., and many are from the city in which the show is playing. It's run by these two old drama guys in gold lame suits that do a fabulous job of revving up the audience.  The dogs do all the fun things working dogs do in field and agility trials but in a more theatrical setting and accompanied by very loud music, and each section of the audience is assigned their "dog team". Boy did we scream and holler for our team! It's an hour and a half of fun and dog love from all. So many happy dogs.  They clearly love doing it.

Anyway, yesterday I got an email from Lissa though I didn't open it till today, and she said she saw on her calendar that it was FH's (former husband's) birthday. For forty years January was  a BIG month because of the anniversary and the birthday.

I just wanted to write and remind you how wonderful it is to see you happy and excited about each day, her note said.

I was shocked! It hadn't dawned on me that it was his birthday.  But then, I was doubly shocked when I remembered that Monday would have been our 41st wedding anniversary, and it never crossed my mind either. Good grief! I would have figured that at the beginning of this month I would have thought Oh, it's January. The month we got married. But that didn't happen. I just grinned to myself this morning at the wonder of it all.  Hooray for movin' on! Hooray for a new life! Hooray for peace of mind!

The thing I did realize this morning though was that I should have Katy call her grand dad and wish him happy birthday belatedly. (I do things like that for her, not for him!) So she did.  And this day just got better. I don't actively eavesdrop on her conversations with him.  In fact if she's walking around in the same room as I am I motion her to go talk in another room.  Still, often I can't help but hear her side of the chat.  Today she told him that she didn't call him yesterday because we went to Colorado Springs, and only today did Aunt Lissa remind her it was his birthday.  (That was the first fun thing Katy said which indicated that I had not  remembered.)  He apparently asked what we did in Colorado Springs and Katy said, We had to go get Gran some jeans.  She keeps going down in sizes because she's working out.  Ha, ha, ha, ha.  Good girl!  Oh yeah. I got a good laugh out of that. 

Possibly someone might be thinking that if I'm doing so darned well then why do I care if he knows I'm looking good, doing good and not remembering his birthday or our anniversary.  But I'll bet there isn't a divorced woman alive who doesn't want the old ex to know she's doin' fine....on her own...without him! Just human nature I think.

Needless to say, that made my day. Plus, got another milestone under my belt.  I wonder how many milestones there are anyway.  Does filing my first tax return as a single person qualify?  And what the hell do you do when you were married part of the tax year and single for the other part? 

That's the next thing I've got to figure out.

 

View of my house from the top of the hill today.

Oh, It's Not Just A Name

 

Look at this background.  Another reason why people ski.

I've decided to take back my maiden name.  This might sound like a light weight issue and I know....generally speaking and compared to the issues some of you are facing it is, but not so much to me.  Honestly I've grappled with it for months now. I mean I've had my current name for forty years! Most of my life.   

There is a point in a divorce when the lawyer asks if you want to take back your maiden name.  When I was asked, I didn't even take ten seconds to think about it.  I just said No!  I was sitting there beside FH who went with me to two out of the three visits I made to the lawyer. Three visits, ninety days and $2,500; that's all it took.   As I said months ago it was an "amicable" divorce.  He didn't even get a lawyer. The lawyer was mine. (The man just wanted to go.)   FH looked at me surprised and said Really?  You aren't going to do that?  I looked at him surprised that he was surprised and said I didn't want to because all my financial and every other kind of history was known under my married name.

I wish badly that I'd known I would be offered the option at that time because if I had had time to consider it then and make the decision I've made now it would have happened automatically with the stroke of a pen and wouldn't have cost me a bit of extra money and time.  Now I'll have to petition the court, pay a lawyer, and god knows what other fees will be required.  But I'm going to do it. 

I'm already using this new/old name when I meet someone new.  I'm using it with you guys.  It's the name you see when you email me.  Even this new fellow I've met knows me as she. 

I know it'll be one hell of a hassle.  That's why I've dragged my feet.  Credit cards, records, all kinds of people have to be notified and I'll bet most of them will want paper work.  But the main reason I've been nervous about it is because I worry that one very important entity will screw it up...the government.  In particular, the social security people.  I'll have to change the name attached to my social security number and in this country, that number validates your entire existence to the government. In fact, I think that now everyone gets one at birth or soon thereafter so it is in effect our birth number. They probably wish they could tattoo it to the bottom of our feet the minute we take our first breath. Can I trust the government to get anything this important to me right?  Scary thought!

Over the holidays it came to me as clear as the Colorado sky on an cold winter's day that this married name means absolutely nothing emotionally to me.  I think a name should mean something emotionally. I remember when I got the name.  It meant something emotionally then.  I had just turned twenty years old and in spite of the free love "movement" and "womens lib", I  rushed to the bank and ordered my first checks with the name "Mrs. FH" printed on them.  Didn't even use my own first name. I would gaze at them, awed.  I was like a high school girl with stars in her eyes writing "Mrs. FH" in romantic script all over her notebooks day dreaming about owning that name too.  Actually, I wasn't too far beyond high school!  Two years! Thank goodness eventually I came to my senses and at least used my first name on the checks.  The "Mrs. FH" moniker is the way the generation before mine would have chosen.  Many of those women would have referred to themselves as "Mrs. FH" till they died.  My step mom did it. Later, during my involvement with NOW and trying to get the Equal Rights Amendment passed (I was a bit of a rebel in my small town then.) I took my maiden name, West, as my middle name and have used it that way ever since.

I feel like a new woman has emerged from this divorce.  She's thinking differently, she's doing things differently, she's almost unrecognizable to me...she doesn't even look the same. Yesterday, Katy, her friend, and I went skiing.  The ski mountain is two hours from here.  As I was riding the lift...alone, because the girls were at a different level...I was thinking about this; well, actually I was talking out loud about it. I've discovered that the ski lift is a wonderful place to think, talk to myself, laugh aloud, and ponder.  I'm in the most beautiful place in the world, wrapped in the muffled silence of a snow covered landscape,  weightlessly gliding through the treetops feeling small and insignificant yet at the same time feeling like the most important person in the whole Universe. There's an enormous comfort in that dichotomy.

There's a lot of distance between the chairs and unless the people ahead look back at me, I know I'm in the clear and I keep on talking. Telling myself how wonderful I am.  How strong.  This "self uptalk" is actually how I gave birth to this new woman.  I was saying to myself Look at you, Anya. Here you are skiing alone. (You have no idea how strange that is.) Driving up an icy mountain pass to get here.  Grinning and talking to everyone. Sitting in the lodge alone having a Starbucks and loving it.  Feeling just so competent. So full.

Later a storm, a real blizzard,  moved in and the drive home took four hours rather than two. I just turned up the radio, relaxed, and poked along.  When we finally turned off the paved road onto our seven miles of gravel county road, the snow was so deep, I started laughing.  I can not believe I'm out driving at night in a damned blizzard! And I'm not even freaked!  The girls asked What are you laughing at, Gran?  I said I was just laughing at all the snow. It's so pretty.

So you see.  I've got to get the new name.  It's just the cherry on top of the sundae.  And I'm going to keep that identity.  I don't care what happens in the future. If the king of England sweeps me away to become his queen, I'm keepin' it.  It's going to be all mine. Forever.

I was born with it.

I'll die with it.

No Resolutions Here!

I'm thinking about the "R" word today.  To me it's almost as negative as the "F" word (though sometimes the "F" word is the only word that works and well...actually it isn't always negative).  So, you know the "F" word; I don't need to explain that one.   A lot of you use the "R" word so comfortably, but I just don't. Or can't.  So I'll say it just once...RESOLUTION.  Whew! Way too much pressure in that word.

What I prefer to say is something pleasant and fun sounding like Things I'd Like To Do This Year,  or Possibilities This Year (I love the word possibilities; such a promising word) or Ideas For This Year.  I don't usually include the date when I write these "ideas" down because that way I can just carry them over from year to year if they don't get done the first year I write them down. 

I have a few brand new things this year:

Figure out exactly how much a year it is costing me to live here (it's shocking that I have not done this. I've been drifting along. Bad, bad, girl!)                                                 

Decide how long I can live here without being stressed

SELL MY OVERFLOW STUFF

Start my Amazon "bookstore"

Write something in addition to my blog

Make a website on my house (incidentally, I have a $10,000 finder's fee if someone brings me a buyer before I go with a real estate agent which isn't going to be anytime soon.  Know anyone who is longing for a rocky Mountain hideaway?)

Learn how to TAKE BETTER PHOTOS!

And if I look back at the ideas and possibilities I wrote...I believe it must have been 2007, there are still plenty of things there to add to this year's list.  Looking through my journals I can't seem to find what I wrote last year.  I'd love to find that because last year was a really, really, bad year and I'm curious to see how my mind set translated into New Year's ideas. But here are a few from 2007 that are still waiting for my attention:

Start learning my Photo Shop Elements Program (good grief, I can't believe I've had this program installed in my computer this long and have not even looked at it)

Do art every day (probably not going to happen this year either. if I do all this other stuff I won't have the time!)

Meditate more  (getting better but still room for improvement)

Make more of my own cards for my friends (might can pull this off)

Practice visualization

Don't wait till the last minute to do everything (Oh. Well.)

Don't you always feel like you can do anything and everything when you're at the starting gate of a brand new year?  It becomes a little more difficult to sustain that enthusiasm and sureness as the year progresses, and that's why I think it's important to seize the list of ideas really quickly and knock out some accomplishments.  The momentum should then carry us forward and more will get done.  I'm sure this is the way it works, though I have yet to actually prove it.

Anyway, this is what I'm thinking about and I fully plan to do more than just think about it.

I really do.

I would love to see what you're putting on your lists, mental or literal....I check your blogs nearly daily...why don't you write about it there, or in the comment area here. Share you guys!

I might get some new ideas.

Cheers!!!

The Deer Messenger

The Deer

Gentleness and Innocence

Deer teaches us to use the power of gentleness
to touch the hearts and minds of
wounded beings who are in our lives.

Don't push towards change in others,
rather gently nudge them in the right direction
with the love that comes from a Deer totem.

When a Deer totem shows up in your life,
a new innocence and freshness is about to be awakened.
There is going to be a gentle lure of new adventures.
There will  be an opportunity to express the gentle love
that will open new doors for you.

On New Year's Eve, I went snowshoeing on the mountain behind my house.  This time I reached every landmark that on earlier walks had been a goal accomplished and just kept going.  I got to the locked gate that marks the national forest boundary and with big duck feet clumsily climbed through it and just kept going.  I had the i-pod in my pocket, earphones in my ears, and I was in the zone.

 

The forest side of the gate.

But there is a certain place on my trail when I turn the i-pod off, take out the earphones and soak up the sounds of the forest: wind blowing through the stately blue spruces in their broad needle skirts; ravens squawking, apparently at nothing more than the joy of lazily riding the thermals; the crunch of my snowshoes moving in and out of the snow...and the padded silence of deep, snow covered forest. This place where I separate myself from the music is near the top end of my usual trek, my side of the forest gate.  But on New Year's Eve I climbed through that gate and just kept going. I'd say I'll go to the top of that hill then I'll turn around.  Then I'd do that and I'd say Well, I'm almost at the u-turn in the box canyon so I'll go till it makes the turn.  or Oh, man, I can tell by the sky I can see through those trees I'm nearly at the top, I've gotta keep goin'. And that is how I make the goals.  Just a little by little. From one landmark to another.  Is this a life lesson for me? For anyone? If so, I'm just learning it. I have never made and met athletic goals in my life. And very few other goals for that matter.

Looking back I believe I was inspired by a comment made the night before by my friend Lucy at our girlfriend Christmas party (a little late this year).  Lucy is around 70, ten years or more older than I. I was telling the girls of my snowshoe adventures and how I was delighted and amazed that I was walking all the way to the forest gate.  Then Lucy said, Yeah, I walked that road last summer all the way to the top of the mountain. 

Hmmmm.  I'm thinking, the top of the mountain. Much farther than the forest gate. And suddenly the top of the mountain became a very alluring destination.

Up past the gate the snow was very deep and there was no previous snowshoe path to make the going easier. I could really feel those butt cheeks firming up every time I lifted a snowshoe out of the heavy snow to take another step.  I felt quite clever when I noticed that all the animal footprints were stacked upon one another along the edge of the road while I was walking in the middle of the road. I made my way to the edge and realized that the animals knew that that part of the road was less deep in the first place, and if they all kept to the same path, eventually it would become slightly packed down and the going would become easier for all. Those little critters are smart.  I followed suit and then kept to their path. I'll bet they appreciated my packing down their path even more.

I so wish I could convey the sheer isolation up there.  I've taken a lot of pictures trying to capture it to show you guys, but they always fall short of the reality.  When I'm up there it's like I'm the only human in the world. It is exhilarating. Often I think I will cry from it. Occasionally I do.

  

On this day as I rounded a bend in the road I came face to face with a magnificent buck deer.  I carefully came to a stop and we regarded each other for a few moments. Then I began to move toward him slowly displaying no threatening behavior,  but not avoiding his eyes either. In fact, I held them unwaveringly with mine.  I was a little surprised that he didn't bolt. That's the common action of a buck being approached by a human.  They are much more skittish than the does who are not hunted. But at the same time, I had a gut feeling that he wasn't going to flee, and so I edged closer and closer to him.

I said quietly Are you a messenger?  and he simply stood there not frightened by my voice at all,  holding my eyes with his big, knowing, brown eyes. The deer almost always hasten away when I speak to them. Oh, at that moment his deep liquid eyes seemed to hold the wisdom of the Universe to me. I was mesmerized.  I spoke to him a little more though I don't recall what I said. Only when I decided to take a photo and reached for and fiddled with my camera did he turn unhurriedly, look over his shoulder at me once, then gracefully disappear down the steep, snowy, cliff and into the trees edging that side of the road. I let my body relax, and I knew he was a messenger.

I continued the walk and eventually I did reach the top, a place where I could look over the other side of the mountain and see a sweeping valley below.  I wanted to mark this special accomplishment, but every rock and stick was either buried under several feet of snow or frozen in place. So I just I whooped and hollered a little bit. I felt so deeply touched by the moment (it was just so beautiful) and by my messenger that I paused and voiced a reverent "thank you" to the Universe. I threw kisses to the Universe.  Honestly, I rejoiced. (have I ever used that word?) As I've told you before, you can do that up here in the middle of nowhere.  Certainly one of the joys of living in the boonies. Max and I charted that walk on google earth later.  It was a five mile round trip...1000 foot gain in elevation.  In snowshoes.  Ha, ha, ha, ha...who is that woman?

The first thing I did when I got home was to go to the computer and enter the site that my dear friend Susan told me about that explores the meanings of animal totems.  (I have decided to not call my blog friends "blog friends" anymore.  They are just friends.  Don't you feel that way too?) Here is the link: animal totems.  And I looked up "deer", and above at the beginning of this post, under the photo of the deer is what the deer totem means.

You know, I don't think that every time a fox runs across the road in front of your car or you spot a coyote in the meadow that that is a "visit" or a "message" from an animal totem. In my world, those are regular occurrences. No. I believe it has to be a special encounter with an animal. Or an encounter with a special animal like the albino raven my ski instructor watched for a half hour the day before New Year's Eve. (I'll tell you about this guy later. Yum)  Something out of the ordinary.  In the case of the buck, it was just that. He did not run at my approach, but instead stood there regally and silently conveying to me that our meeting was meaningful. Is this just my vivid imagination?  Does it matter? Not one bit.  If you believe you are receiving a message from the Universe then it is effective whether it is a reality or a figment.  Is that just wonderful or what?!!

Well....that was an important message, so apropos to the conversations, musings, conclusions and decisions of my little family during this season.  Those I'll explore later with you, and hopefully benefit from your insights and comments. 

There were many stellar moments in this holiday season...the very best I've experienced in many years.  But that deer and the gift of his message to me must certainly set the theme for my highly anticipated new year ahead. I just know I will discover my true way this year.

Happy New Year my dear friends!

Snowshoe tracks leading to home.