Oh, It's Not Just A Name

 

Look at this background.  Another reason why people ski.

I've decided to take back my maiden name.  This might sound like a light weight issue and I know....generally speaking and compared to the issues some of you are facing it is, but not so much to me.  Honestly I've grappled with it for months now. I mean I've had my current name for forty years! Most of my life.   

There is a point in a divorce when the lawyer asks if you want to take back your maiden name.  When I was asked, I didn't even take ten seconds to think about it.  I just said No!  I was sitting there beside FH who went with me to two out of the three visits I made to the lawyer. Three visits, ninety days and $2,500; that's all it took.   As I said months ago it was an "amicable" divorce.  He didn't even get a lawyer. The lawyer was mine. (The man just wanted to go.)   FH looked at me surprised and said Really?  You aren't going to do that?  I looked at him surprised that he was surprised and said I didn't want to because all my financial and every other kind of history was known under my married name.

I wish badly that I'd known I would be offered the option at that time because if I had had time to consider it then and make the decision I've made now it would have happened automatically with the stroke of a pen and wouldn't have cost me a bit of extra money and time.  Now I'll have to petition the court, pay a lawyer, and god knows what other fees will be required.  But I'm going to do it. 

I'm already using this new/old name when I meet someone new.  I'm using it with you guys.  It's the name you see when you email me.  Even this new fellow I've met knows me as she. 

I know it'll be one hell of a hassle.  That's why I've dragged my feet.  Credit cards, records, all kinds of people have to be notified and I'll bet most of them will want paper work.  But the main reason I've been nervous about it is because I worry that one very important entity will screw it up...the government.  In particular, the social security people.  I'll have to change the name attached to my social security number and in this country, that number validates your entire existence to the government. In fact, I think that now everyone gets one at birth or soon thereafter so it is in effect our birth number. They probably wish they could tattoo it to the bottom of our feet the minute we take our first breath. Can I trust the government to get anything this important to me right?  Scary thought!

Over the holidays it came to me as clear as the Colorado sky on an cold winter's day that this married name means absolutely nothing emotionally to me.  I think a name should mean something emotionally. I remember when I got the name.  It meant something emotionally then.  I had just turned twenty years old and in spite of the free love "movement" and "womens lib", I  rushed to the bank and ordered my first checks with the name "Mrs. FH" printed on them.  Didn't even use my own first name. I would gaze at them, awed.  I was like a high school girl with stars in her eyes writing "Mrs. FH" in romantic script all over her notebooks day dreaming about owning that name too.  Actually, I wasn't too far beyond high school!  Two years! Thank goodness eventually I came to my senses and at least used my first name on the checks.  The "Mrs. FH" moniker is the way the generation before mine would have chosen.  Many of those women would have referred to themselves as "Mrs. FH" till they died.  My step mom did it. Later, during my involvement with NOW and trying to get the Equal Rights Amendment passed (I was a bit of a rebel in my small town then.) I took my maiden name, West, as my middle name and have used it that way ever since.

I feel like a new woman has emerged from this divorce.  She's thinking differently, she's doing things differently, she's almost unrecognizable to me...she doesn't even look the same. Yesterday, Katy, her friend, and I went skiing.  The ski mountain is two hours from here.  As I was riding the lift...alone, because the girls were at a different level...I was thinking about this; well, actually I was talking out loud about it. I've discovered that the ski lift is a wonderful place to think, talk to myself, laugh aloud, and ponder.  I'm in the most beautiful place in the world, wrapped in the muffled silence of a snow covered landscape,  weightlessly gliding through the treetops feeling small and insignificant yet at the same time feeling like the most important person in the whole Universe. There's an enormous comfort in that dichotomy.

There's a lot of distance between the chairs and unless the people ahead look back at me, I know I'm in the clear and I keep on talking. Telling myself how wonderful I am.  How strong.  This "self uptalk" is actually how I gave birth to this new woman.  I was saying to myself Look at you, Anya. Here you are skiing alone. (You have no idea how strange that is.) Driving up an icy mountain pass to get here.  Grinning and talking to everyone. Sitting in the lodge alone having a Starbucks and loving it.  Feeling just so competent. So full.

Later a storm, a real blizzard,  moved in and the drive home took four hours rather than two. I just turned up the radio, relaxed, and poked along.  When we finally turned off the paved road onto our seven miles of gravel county road, the snow was so deep, I started laughing.  I can not believe I'm out driving at night in a damned blizzard! And I'm not even freaked!  The girls asked What are you laughing at, Gran?  I said I was just laughing at all the snow. It's so pretty.

So you see.  I've got to get the new name.  It's just the cherry on top of the sundae.  And I'm going to keep that identity.  I don't care what happens in the future. If the king of England sweeps me away to become his queen, I'm keepin' it.  It's going to be all mine. Forever.

I was born with it.

I'll die with it.

Comments

[J.]

Names are powerful things, no matter what Shakespeare said about roses.
And I wouldn't worry too much about the government. I waitressed with an older woman who had been married FIVE times, and changed her name every time. Social Security still managed to keep track of her. There is alot of paperwork, though.

[susan]

I always loved my name and could never imagine changing it ... and I've never really understood why so many women willingly give up their names, seemingly without too much thought (of course the exception being if you were born with some atrociously bad name ... I don't know like ... Weiner or something weird or difficult to pronounce like Shishlowitz or Dlugosielski) especially when you realize that the whole reason of it all was that (Mrs.) Smith was to denote the possession of Mr. Smith. Eek !

Keep on Rockin' girlfriend !!!

Much love from les Gang, S, Miss D, Bleet, Oliver & Gus.

[Braja]

I'm sure everyone will write and encourage you and tell you how wonderful it is, and that's ok, but I'm gonna tell you that I don't really think it matters so much, because you're not a name: you're not his name, you're not your name...you're an eternal soul and that's far far more than any name... by all means if it makes you feel good, then go right ahead, absolutely...as long as you know that I'm here thinking of you not as your name, but what qualities you possess...and those belong to the soul: not a name.

[fire byrd]

I went from my maiden name to my first husbands name which I kept after i got divcorced as the boys didn't want me to be different from them. Then I got married for a second time and changed my name to his, as it didn't seem right to still have another man's name.
That marriage lasted for a very short time. And I changed my name again. At that time my father was still alive, and his name was one of those that no-one could spell. So I took my mothers maiden name in her memory

From the moment I took it I knew it was right. I have the name of me. I will never change it, even if like you the King of England comes along.... LOL.

Strangely I've done it with my blog too, as the first name had to be changed after a relationship break up.... long story.
I re invented myself but the name wasn't right and I found the right name last summer with a fellow blogger I was visiting who just described me as rising from the ashes like a phoenix and there was the name.

And both of those are me.

So good luck with the change, it's important.
xx

[pam]

Yay Anya! Good for you!!

[Mrs. C]

I've changed my name legally three times and the government is always two steps behind. Sigh. I'm comforting myself by saying that the money won't be there when I retire anyway. :]

[susan]

ps two things -an author I think you might be interested in -Jennifer Louden. I just got her "The Woman's Retreat Book" from the library and I was flipping through it I was thinking I bet Anya might like this book - her other title "A Woman's Comfort Book" I've ordered as well.

And the second thing - Do tell, all, about this new vitamin/supplement regime please.

xo, S.

[anya]

Thanks for the supportive letters. And of course, Braja, that means you too. I know your comment that we are not names but are eternal souls to be true. That is how I too believe. And I don't mean that in a religious sense but in a spiritual sense...a sort of universal sense. Does that make sense? ha!

But for walking around here on earth in my new frisky form, I'm looking forward to the new name. Merely a representation of me....not me. Right?

Well, J, your waitress with the five husbands gives me hope that the SS will get it right eventually. Mrs. C., I'm looking at that retirement money pretty soon so I guess it'll still be there, though with the current state of our government's cash flow, it'll be a wonder if it is.

Susan, you have such a beautiful, perfect first and last name combination it's no wonder that you love it. And now, turning it into your trademark...your brand as you say...it is so clean and simple. There were some really rich but possibly dysfunctional people in Texas when I was growing up with the last name of Hogg, pronounced like the pig. The parents named one of their daughters Ima. Can you imagine? If I was a young woman getting married now, in these times, I would not take my husband's name at all.

Byrd, your story is wonderful of how you finally found your name. It is a bit enticing to reinvent oneself and then choose the name that best compliments that new self. It's as though the name cinches the whole deal! Do you suppose the King will prefer you because you're an Englishwoman? ha ha

I'll look at that book you mentioned, Susan, at Amazon. As for the vitamins, I will email you and tell you of them or mention them in my next post or so.

[Judy in KY]

Hey, I need to know about the vitamins too! I am in need of something to get me going. You sound like you are so happy and lively... I need some of that moxie for myself.

[Mmmm]

A very reflective post and so well put. I can't imaiginee changing names to one's spouse's in the first place. I remember when my wife wanted to talk on mine, I asked her "Why?" I so loved her last name and thought she shoud be proud of it and hyphenate which she did for a very long time.

My sister who went though a divorce after 25 years is now chaning her name to no more hyphen, back to her old name except she jsut got engaged today, 31 years after the first time she was married!

Life is so mysterious.

Enjoy the "new-old" name once more, my friend.

[Mim]

Anya
Yeah on your new old name!
No matter the $$$'s and like you said you didn't have time to deliberate with divorce proceedings.
You are a brave and inspiring person.
Thanks for checking on me several times when I'd fallen off the blogging wagon.
Mim

[Pamela]

It is so encouraging when one realizes that positive change is always possible!! Good for you!

[Paris]

I agree...names are not just anything. I had a full name change (legally) about a year ago to basically hide from my ex-abusive husband.

The snow scene is absolutely beautiful and breathtaking. That's the kind of fresh air I need deep within my soul right now.

:)

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