I Was In Love Once.....

I've been thinking about love lately.

I don't know what got me started thinking about that. Perhaps the fact that every visible surface is plastered with hearts, xo's, sweet sentiments and all the rest of the symbols of love as Valentines day draws near.  But aside from that a wonderfully entertaining new reader of my blog, lilly, has been writing of love this month.  It was her post on February 2, "What Is Love", that probably kicked off my love musings, then the next day or two after I read that  I was walking up the mountain behind the house and the song "Addicted To Love" by Robert Palmer came on my i-pod.  I laughed aloud at the lyrics. Oh yes. That's what it feels like alright.

Your lights are on, but you're not home

Your mind is not your own

Your heart sweats, your body shakes

You can't sleep, you can't eat

Your throat is tight, you can't breathe

Trudging up the hill I remembered.......

I fell in love once. I fell in love with FH (former husband for any new readers).  I was 19, he was 24. The first time I saw him was at my very first job interview ever.  He was on his knees flipping through a filing cabinet as I was shown in to my interviewer.  My skirt was as mini as they came....it was 1967.

When he turned to look up at me, his heavy lidded eyes glided from my ankles slowly up that long expanse of leg and finally our eyes met...no locked. I was burning with the certainty that he could see right up my skirt. Well if it wasn't love at first sight, it was definitely lust at first site!  What a job interview that was. He fiddled around with those damned files the entire time and I was so flushed and nervous I haven't the slightest idea what I said to my interviewer. The only thing I was aware of was that I had to know more about this man. I remember thinking, If I am not hired I will die. But I  was hired and that set off the events that formed the next 40 years of my life. 

He walked like a man who had been places and seen things, and actually he had. He had returned from Viet Nam recently. A lock of thick black hair flopped onto his forehead at the slightest movement; he was tanned and muscled, slim and hard as a rock.  He was devastatingly handsome and he was as edgy as a razor blade. I liked that. He seemed dangerous. A bad boy, for sure. He had been a green beret on an A-team in the army and he knew everything about survival and getting along and getting what you want.  And he wanted me.  He was also at the bad end of a six month marriage.  I eventually met him for stolen hours deep in the woods and brief, steamy encounters in the coffee room.

He was still married for three months after I met him, and though I knew I shouldn't that didn't stop me.  Now do you see a case here of the karma train exacting its due? Yes, I've thought about that one.

Those were the most exhilarating months of my life. I was eaten up with being in love. It was so mentally and physically taxing I don't know how I survived. I was engulfed.

Mmm said recently in a comment that being in love is so exhausting. How true.  A lovely exhaustion to be sure, though. 

I don't really expect to ever feel that again. Surely there was a youth quotient to the heat that can never be replicated at my riper age, even when I meet the man who can set a fire in me. When I do meet him, will it be a bonfire he sets? A wildfire? Or will it be a low simmering bed of coals that will warm me in a more extended, sustaining manner deep into my soft old age.

Hmmmm. Sweet thoughts, but at the moment I'm just as happy living in the moment. I am  wide opened to love, which is a good thing because love can only enter through an opened door.

Yes, I do believe I will fall in love again one day.  I didn't believe that at all for months after the divorce. But I know now I have way too much love percolating inside me not to spread it around a little. Certainly no hurry though.

Love can take its time.

Comments

[lilly]

Well I am telling you now that anyone who can write like that is not going to have the slow burn kind of love. It will be wild.

As for the karma train. No I do not believe what happned to you is to do with Karma. You were married 40 years after all and seems it was someone else who was calling the shots.

I loved your love story. And I really like Robert Palmer too - shame he is no longer with us. I also like the fact that after 40 years marriage, and what you had to deal with at the end, that you are one amazing lady. I think you went through all that because you are going to meet someone out of this world!!! You are open to it, you know how to love, you are gorgeous and smart and witty. You, my dear, are a catch. Just keep them dangling for a while so you know they are worthy of you. Thanks for the mention by the way. Go treat yourself this Valentines Day to something special. I am very glad I found your blog.

[Judy in KY]

Anya, i like what Lilly said... you are one amazing lady. Thank goodness you are living in the moment, not dwelling in the past. Being open to love is the key.

[fire byrd]

Of course you will fall in love again! And possibly more than once, cause I don't think there is a quota limit going on here.
In the meantime just enjoy you being you and sane! Cause being in love is the closest thing I know to madness outside of insanity itself!
hugs xx

[susan]

I know not of what you speak I'm afraid.

Maybe the love of a big red lug of a stick fetchin' sweetie, of a shagalicious scraggly black girl, or perhaps of a soft calico cat disguised as a petite golden retriever ... my kind of love.

I am an alien creature I know.

[Mmmm]

Oh, Susan is so funny, isn't she. gotta love her!! gotta love Lilly too. both such excellent top of my list blogs and people.

Hey, a link to me? Whoa. humbled, thanks.

Anway, brilliant blog post. I LOOOOOVED your story of how you met your FH and how it ensued. Man! My heart was pounding from such exhilaration!

You wore a mini skit to an interview?!! If some young gal was to do that now! I suppose in the 60's it was all too common. (bummer, why did they have to leave?!)

Anyway, your descript of FH was great. you noticed everything didn't you?

"You can't sleep, you can't eat. Your throat is tight, you can't breathe"
--Hardly seem worth it, does it?! LOL. Love is addictive. We do CRAZy things becasue of it when there is that connect, no?

Thank you for this lovely post.

[anya]

Mmmm, I laughed out loud at your line "Hardly seems worth it, does it?" That's so funny. Why do we humans think it is I wonder.

Susan, Shagalicious Love is a fabulous love too. Yikes, I almost brought home some of that love yesterday when a woman walked into the salon with a little rescue pup she'd saved from an awful woman. I was strong because it isn't right now, but I did help find that little baby a home yesterday.

Byrd. You are so right. This mellow "like" is much more relaxing than that other "L" word.

Thank you darlin, Judy. And no, I'm not one to live in the past. Even with my marriage, I find I am just remembering good times (when I think about it at all). Oh, well there was that one thing that still pisses me off....but, like I say, no dwelling for this woman.

Lilly, I love your advice. So, when I find a likely prospect, I'm going to try that "dangling" thing. Too late with this guy...like I said once I was kinda starved for hugs and kisses and I didn't spend a lot of time being unavailable! So far so good, though. A nice "like" situation.

[J.]

Very sexy account...my hubby was married too, when I met him, although he's definitely not the dangerous type.

[Paris]

Anya...this post really touched me. I so appreciate your openness and sharing how you really, really feel. It gives me hope that I will get through my current situation, come out happy, and maybe SOME DAY...have someone on my arm again that is in love with me as I am them.

Love you tonnes!!

PS Will you be around in early March? Thinking about taking my upcoming vac in CO!

[marmitetoasty]

This is such a beautiful post..... fanks for sharing..

x

[risingrainbow]

It's good to hear you are open to love again. That's what it takes.

[Paris]

Hi Anya...hope you had a good day! Thinking of you.

**hugs**

[Lorie]

Hmmm delicious!! I love your story, and agree wholeheartedly with everyone who said that - "woman, you can write!!". Well, I only read the first comment and that's not exactly what was written, but what the hell! I said it and I mean it. Just delicious! First time visitor here, I happened by via the black box thingy...you just never know where it might lead...what fun.

[susan]

Hey are you drinkin' Pina Coladas under a palm tree somewhere with Mr. E. harmony ?

It's been awfully quiet in the mountains. Hoping everything is OK with you and Katie ... seems a bit strange this very long silence. xo S & les Gang