Separation Anxiety Is Creeping In

I just got home today from picking Katy up at the airport in Denver.  She spent the week of spring break with her dad, Max.  It was a turning point in the effort to make her completely comfortable with and accepting of going back to Nashville to live with her dad after living here in Colorado for almost three years.  The trip was a roaring success. She didn't want to come home.  He said she began crying early last night, leaving furtive little notes when his back was turned trying to show him the logic of her staying there.

How great is this?  Really, it's great! Just great!

So why am I feeling so shitty?  When she got off the plane she didn't rush to hug me. Actually, she never did. I hugged her finally.  Her tone with me was impatient and a little edgy.  On the three hour drive home she informed me that she loves Nashville better than Colorado, loves the brand of car that her dad drives better than the brand that I drive, likes rain better than snow...is just sick of snow.  She doesn't want me to touch anything she got on the trip.  When she complained that her fingernails were trimmed too much, I said something like a little too short, huh?  Her dad had no way of knowing how she likes her nails and trimmed them too short. But No! they aren't too short at all, in fact it's better; I just have to get used to them.

You see what I mean?  But that is all to be expected I imagine.  I'll bet Byrd (who knows about these things) would say it's natural for her to begin switching her alliances now. She's preparing herself to leave me and Colorado and go to her dad. She's beginning her separation process.  I know all that intellectually.  But emotionally?  It smarts.  It's just ridiculous but throughout the drive I was secretly harboring hurt feelings.  At one point I thought I would CRY for heaven's sake. Thank goodness that was outside of the car at the gas pump.  I became snappy.  Ugh!  I was petulant, and I just hate it when I'm petulant. 

Here's what I worry about and have to guard against with all my inner strength:  I can't let my separation process take a negative direction. You know what I mean...so that by the time she goes we are so argumentative I'm just thrilled that she is leaving. I want her to go. I want the natural order of things to return to our three lives.  I do. Max is ready. Katy is ready and I surely thought I was ready.  Most of me is.  I long for the freedom it will bring me even as I'm worrying that I will have a sinking spell when it happens, and be so bereft and lonely I'll do something stupid like move to the wrong place; become a hermit, eat everything in sight and get really fat; or latch on to some man who is absolutely not right for me just to have something to fill the new emptiness. 

 I'm a little scared that I'll get all grouchy and reserved as these months progress.  Hold back. When the way I really want this to go is with love and patience.  I want these last two or three months to be some of our best...not our worst.  And I  have to make this happen.  She's just a little kid. I'm the grown up here.  My e-harmony guy reminded me of that on the phone tonight.

You're going to have to do a lot of hard swallowing for the next two months.

Any advice will be greatly appreciated.  Xanax?  

Oh well. Enough of that...

My computer was in the repair shop for a week and three days.  I discovered I spend entirely too much time on it throughout the day and that is the big time waster I've been sleuthing for.  I'm going to establish my personal  Computer Usage Policy and then dredge up all the self control I can to stick to it. 

I spent the week of spring break with the e-harmony guy (I guess I need to give him a name.  Ok. From now on I'll call him Sam, a fake name of course to protect the innocent.)Part of that time was spent here in the wilderness with Sam.  I cooked for the first time, exposing a domestic side I'd kept under wraps until I whipped up perfectly cooked salmon, roasted asparagus and my very famous in these parts spinach salad with my own roasted tomatoes, caramelized-the- long-way onions and feta cheese.  I make the vinaigrette for that also. I made all the components before he came so the entire production would look almost effortless.  I like for my guests to believe I think enough of them to go to some trouble....but I don't want them to think I slaved over a hot stove all day.  There is a fine line between making dinner guests feel coddled and making them feel like they are impositions.  Anyway, I have no experience of this but I'll bet a dating woman has to be careful not to look too domestic or men will expect her to start doing domestic things for them.  Like cleaning their houses or doing their laundry.  Luckily I'm an outspoken sort of  person so it's doubtful I'd fall into that little trap!

After that I went to his town and we skied.  Altogether a lovely spring break.  Now it's a long dry spell with no school holidays till the end of school in May, though I do have a very cool babysitter that Katy loves for long weekends.  (Just one a month.)  She takes Katy horseback riding and lets her break all the rules when they play Scrabble. 

I'm back home with a new computer keyboard and a fire in my belly to get some things done that actually contribute to my goal of putting my house on the market.  

I am still in total darkness about where I'll go and what the heck I'll do when I do sell the house.  I've had moments of a panicky stomach just trying to work this all out.  

But I'll save that tale for another post. 

Comments

[t.allen-mercado]

Two things stand out here...Katy is a perfectly normal 10 year old and you're right she is trying to build distance between the two of you to make her transition easier-it's a coping mechanism. And you are the adult, but that doesn't absolve you of having feelings. Perhaps, in a few days you can tell Katy that you two are flooded with ambivalence over her leaving and together come up with ways you can comfort each other.

The other thing is your openness at this very new and raw stage of the game will prove an asset through the subsequent stages. Even if no one chimes in, listening (or reading) the ramblings of our inner voice can be quite the helpful guide.

(I have to get caught up on the eHarmony guy adventures-I've obviously missed some posts)

[susan]

Great advice in the first comment. Openness & honesty may be the best answer, almost putting aside the grandparent/child relationship for a time and talking to her more like a good friend who's moving away.

Thank goodness you'll have a Mr. E Harmony to keep you company so you don't feel lonely when she's gone.

And I think you need a list - an April list - don't drift too far into the deep water (like the where am I going to live question) and just chip away at the first tasks ahead of you. Everything could change - who knows maybe Mr. E Harmony will help you decide.

xo from les Gang

[pam]

Oh Anya. Things come out at you left, right and centre with a ten-year-old girls.Ive had one, and I've taught them.My daughter had me crying into a tea-towel at 9 years old, stupified and confused about how our relationship had changed overnight it seemed.My husband was a help, so you need a good support base, whether its friends or relatives you trust.Although you are a grandmother now, instead of a mother,ten is ten, teenage girls can run you ragged emotionally, have you tearing your hair out, and at other times be just delightful. Just know it will be a bumpy ride and be prepared.In later years she will look back and be mortified, embarrassed and extremely grateful to you for bearing up.Her father will have to deal with a lot of this behaviour, because holidays are different to living with someone continually.How many times do we pre-plan family things in a golden glow only to be confronted with "What the...!?" Hang in there girl, it's a road well travelled in a land called "Exasperation".You'll manage, I know you will.xxxx

[Mrs. C]

You probably cut apples and sweep the floor all the wrong way too LOL. Aw, Anya, I sure feel for you, but I'm happy for Katy and Max.

Hugs!

[paula]

Hi Anya, just stumbled over your blog andyour new beginning. Looks like the two of you are doing a great job. Keeping you in my thoughts. Paula

[anya]

t. this is great advice and I will have that talk with Katy about our ambivalence and come up with ways TOGETHER to make this a good time.

And Susan, a little more of the one to one "just us girls" thing and a little less of the grandmother thing may be just the trick.

Pam that is the best comment. Every word of it. I know that Katy has an idyllic vision of how living with her dad will be just as she had an idyllic vision of life with me when she came here. While not idyllic, her time here has been good. Very good.

Thanks, Paula, for reading and commenting.

Oh, and one more thing Susan.....the thing with the e-harmony guy isn't going to be a lifelong affair. I know that but at the moment I'm enjoying our connection.

[Judy in KY]

Anya, you have a good understanding of the situation. Not everyone can see things so clearly when they are in the midst of it. You have both my sympathy and my admiration in this situation. It's clear that you have been very good to Katy and given her a solid background while she was with you. I have no doubt that one day she will realize all that you have meant to her and all that she has meant to you.
Hang in there and keep us posted, please.

[Mim]

I do that too, prepare as much as I can before the guests arrive..don't like to be in the kitchen worrying about the details.
Yes it must be so hard to not have expectations.. as you said you are the adult she is the child, however doesn't mean it is any easier, does it?
Do what you love, find new passions that you've put on the back burner, travel to friends if you must, to do things to fill the hours you've spent caretaking and loving your gdaughter.
She will be forever grateful you were there for her, if not in the immediate time period.
Sending thoughts your way to be strong, and biting your tongue a lot! It will have lots of ridges in the next weeks.

[Mmm]

Ahhh, Ok, I missed something there in the last post--that Katy is actually going back to her Dad! That is, of course, great news, and of course she is shining the spotlight on her Dad (AsI did too) and as she prepares for more transition, but, yes, Im quite sure it hurts too. I do hope and trust you will be abel to love your dear grandchild for where she is at to forge good relationships for the rest of your life. And, as mentioned, she will never forget the love and stability you provided in that time.

As for Sam--love the bit about wanting to show care but not make t seem like you were slaving over the stove al day! Hahahha.

[J.]

Oh Anya, it's such a big step with Katy moving back to her dad. I think honesty about your emotions is SO important, not to burden either of you, but to keep a strong, open connection which both of you need. You're her Gran, the most important woman in her life, even if she's a little standoffish now.
Such big changes. My only advice is pretty much the same as Susan's, take it bit by bit and don't let yourself be overwhelmed. Know that I hope for the best for you, Katy and Max. :)

[marmitetoasty]

What an emotional rollercoaster this is going to be for both of you.....

But, you know what, you both have so much love in your souls, that its gonna be just fine, you wait and see, there will be little hiccups as she tries to distant herself from what she has known for the past 3 years, its like a defence mechanism.... it dont mean she dont love you with all her heart, its just her way of coping...... this will be hard on you, even if it is the right thing, it dont make it any easier for you to let go.....

much love to you both, hugs and kisses......

Glad you have MrHarmony around, lean on him when you need to....

x

[fire byrd]

Anya, I wrote a long response earlier today, and I've just come back to see that I managed to lose it before you got it..... oops! It's too late tonight for me to engage brain, but I didn't want you to think I hadn't thought about you. So I'll come back tomorrow and try and remember what I said!
xx

[lilly]

Oh Anya its a strange time for you and change is ahead for everyone. Yes I am sure Katy is just getting in first as it were and letting go. It must be very difficult for her given what she has gone through. Pre-teenagers can be difficult too. She also is scared perhaps and trying to say she prefers her life with her Dad to convince herself too.

She is fine and she will be safe. Spend more time thinking about you. You have so many choices now. Take it slow and see what happens. It could be an adventure, perhaps that is the way you should see it. What about you and Sam, how serious is that do you think? Sounds like you are a brilliant cook?

And you do not need surgery, he he. You are gorgeous.

I think its a good thing having a computer usage policy - I have done the same too. It can be a time waster like most things! Have a great week and know that maybe it will get a bit difficult as the weeks progress but maybe you can tell Katy how much you will miss her, how great its been to have her and maybe together you can plan some exciting days to remember the last few months you spent living together. Talk about her Dad all the time perhaps and get her prepared for the move or to tell you what she loves most about her move etc. Its tough, so tough but the baby bird needs to fly. What a wonderful grandmother you are and Katy is going to grow up with special memories of you. Then its time to make some wonderful memories for you!! Now that is gong to be really exciting even though scary.

[Ribbon]

Hello I've just arrived and read this post.
I haven't read any history, but from what I've read here may I suggest that you tell the beautiful little girl some of what you are feeling.
I've been that little girl and at that exact age too when my living arrangements had to change. I feel that you could really help her come to terms with her situation and mixed feelings by expressing your own.

Be yourself so she can feel comfortable being herself.

best wishes Ribbon :-)

[Paris]

Hi Anya...just stopping by to say hello. Thinking of you!! **hugs**

[Mmmm]

Anya, that IS a good thing that WIND (per your blog comment) is not so bad up there! surprising relay as the mountains usually have their fair share.

[Argumentative Essays]

Separation Anxiety Is Creeping In <------that's what i was looking for