I just want to tell you all how wonderful the comments were on my last post. They were meaty and well thought out, and they truly inspired me and helped me get my head in the right place. As Lavonne, my gf here, and several of you reminded me, This is what I want. This is what I have wanted. Dad for Katy. Freedom for Anya.
So this week I've focused on two things: being softer with Katy and having more fun together; and thinking of all the things I'm going to do when I have my freedom. You know I'll miss Katy like mad. I will. In fact it's difficult to think of becoming just a part time feature in her life. But, big but, I won't miss being a full time, surrogate mother. At least I won't miss a lot of the responsibilities and life style changes that have gone along with it.
Like having to wake up at 6 in the morning (dreadful) and immediately having to do something, like cook breakfast and drive to the bus stop, and therefore having to go to bed and hope to be asleep by 10 (also not good).
Like having to think of something healthy to feed someone every day. (Though I'll admit to failing on this one on many Friday and Saturday nights.)
Like HOMEWORK. I hate, hate, hate math homework. See, math ignorance apparently runs in the family. Is that a gene? Max was just hopeless in math. Me? I was a total dunce, and in most ways I still am (in math! I'm quite brilliant in other areas! ha) Poor Katy didn't have a chance. I told her teacher early on that I am a dunce in math and she laughed. I'm sure she now knows I wasn't exaggerating because I have actually had to send her frequent notes saying that I'm sorry, Leah, but I can't help Katy with this. Would you help her figure it out? She's pretty cool. About 10 years younger than me and we share the same musical taste so I made her a cd of the Subdudes and the Wallflowers recently. Trying to kiss up you know.
I could say like running around and driving to town so much (a 35 mile round trip), but that's probably good for me and I've actually grown to enjoy more activity. That could just be a result of divorce. It's so interesting to me...a constant source of wonder...just how many things I do, say, and think differently now that are an outcome of divorce and becoming single. Even my politics are evolving rapidly. Where was this woman all that time? How much of who we are is an effect of who we are with? That's fascinating to me. Do you think that's the normal way with all couples?
Here's a thing I wouldn't have done when married: Linda came over Friday night and didn't go home till 2! We drank 2 bottles of wine, played music and talked, talked and talked. If we ever had any secrets, we don't now. I loved that. Thank goodness for girlfriends. And just before she came my best friend from high school, who I connected with after FH left, and I talked for 2 hours on the phone! 2 was my lucky number that day!
And finally, I am looking forward to the ability to just pick up and go somewhere. To be spontaneous. To go to the neighboring town for shopping and lunch with the girls and not be on pins and needles worrying about getting home in time for the bus. To just go.....
I'll miss that little girl though. She really knows how to fill up a life. And what if I lose my youthful outlook? She's really kept me on top of youthful popular culture. Just ask me about Miley Cyrus, Rocket Dogs, and the latest pop music.
Good grief. Last week when the Ting Tings came on the radio I didn't even switch channels. And I was alone!
Yeah. Life with Katy is good. But we'll just have to invent a new kind of life, apart/together. It'll be good. Katy'll have her dad...
And I'm gonna have some adventures.
WOW. Your life is not vibrant because of the things that are in it. It's obvious that your life is vibrant because of who you are. You are amazing.
You know, I think your forgiveness and lack of bitterness toward FH made all this possible. You are so free in a way most of us ever dream of.
God bless ya!
Posted by: Mrs. C | April 05, 2009 at 06:54 PM
Wow back, Mrs. C. That's a pretty awesome comment. thank you.
Posted by: anya | April 05, 2009 at 08:10 PM
Anya, I have never met you in person, but just from reading your blog for a while I am sure that you will never lose your youthful outlook! You are full of high spirits and good humor. I wished I lived closer so I could drink wine and laugh and talk with you.
You will do fine... and so will Katy. And I look forward to hearing more about your adventures to come!
Posted by: Judy in KY | April 06, 2009 at 11:59 AM
I am finally catching up with you. I was stunned to hear that Katy is going back to Nashville...but I am thrilled for you both. That's the way it should be. Then you will be free as the birds that visit our wonderful Colorado skies...and you can FLY. Don't we always talk about IF ONLY WE COULD FLY? I will be back around the 1st of May. Can't wait to catch up. I miss you...and am anxious to see you face to face and have a good chat. Hugs....
Posted by: Paula | April 06, 2009 at 12:54 PM
Anya...you are a very inspirting woman. Katy is so lucky (as anyone else in your life) to have you. **hugs**
Posted by: Paris | April 06, 2009 at 02:31 PM
I've been here on this post already once but the photo didn't load. That photo says it all doesn't it. My father died when I was 16 after he battled alcoholism for years - we didn't ever have a real relationship and I always wonder what might have been had he lived. Katy and her dad look like they're meant to be together ... hugs from les Gang
Posted by: susan | April 07, 2009 at 09:36 AM
I love that message, Susan. Like Mmmm, I can tell you have a very personal slant on Dads and daughters. You are so right. They belong together.
Hey Paula...one thing I"m going to do when I'm free is come to visit you in Florida next winter! Woo Hoo. (I'll just have to get that wardrobe of mine slightly fleshed out. )
I wish you lived nearby too, Judy. From our emails and such, I know we'd be fast friends.
Thanks, Paris, for writing when you're so busy in your move! Nice comment, darlin'.
Posted by: anya | April 07, 2009 at 04:32 PM
You are amazing.Don't think that any of your support network, and by that I mean friends, family and the blogging community, would not realize how hard this would be for you, and how you have risen to meet the recent challenges in your life.I get a bit of a lump in my throat Anya when I think about it, which is silly because I know Katy will still be around - but you are brave, beautiful, and you have done such a wonderful job! I have this image of my arms reaching all the way across to you from Australia to give you the biggest hug, then thwacking back like a rubber band - just to make you laugh -'cause if we don't laugh, we'd cry! xxxx and a big "o" from across the seas.
Posted by: pam | April 07, 2009 at 05:29 PM
Like a boomerang, Pam? I'm soaking up that image because I like it a lot. And it means so much to me that I DO have a support network that includes you.
Posted by: anya | April 08, 2009 at 11:34 AM
Hey girl!
I know you will miss Katy.. But you are right. You will make a new life once she is with her dad, and you will make it amazing! Just think: More wine, more girlfriend time.. More 'Sam' time... More YOU time.
It's going to be wonderful, just you wait and see.
Thank you for the lovely comment the other day on my blog.. I love hearing from people.
In my head, from what I've read in your blog, your home is a beautiful, dreamy mountain get away. You know how when you read a really great book and you just settle into the comfort you get from taking yourself mentally to that place?? Thats kind of what I feel about your blog.. I love when you write because it takes me away for a little bit, into the mountains... I love it.
Em
Posted by: Emily | April 09, 2009 at 10:52 AM
Wonderful stuff Anya.
getting a perspective on the good stuff all round.
Course there will be tough times, but you've got friends to listen to you when they happen, not least us here.
I will write, but life has just run away with me!
xx
Posted by: fire byrd | April 10, 2009 at 10:49 AM
I'm sorry I haven't commented sooner. Your past couple of posts have been so honest and close to the bone.
Katy's reaction upon her return reminded me of me (way back when) and how we are so self-involved when we are young and have no idea of how we might hurt others ~ especially our elders.
It's something she has to do to disconnect from a place she feels is home and she will be fine.
Oh, and Girl....YOU WILL BE TOO.
No husband. No child. A little bit of money and a life in front of you. You have no idea how good you are going to feel.
It's not like you won't miss the old life, but I'd bet the new one is going to surprise you.
Let us know. You write so well, and I'm so glad I found you~ however that came about....
Posted by: Robin_vice@yahoo.com | April 11, 2009 at 10:52 PM
As time goes on , more and more KAty will see the blessings of you in here life. I'm so glad she gets to be back with her Dad and I jsu tknow you will triumph through it all and make a great life for you moving forward as you have over this last year.
Isn't it funny how we get in the habit of doing things then when circumstacens change we can let some rountine thing fall by the way side, or conversely, we can do something we had never done before and with such ease?
Enjoy all the events, expected and unexpected. Keep loving those around you. it sounds like you have your head screwed on right, so make the best of each precious moment you have. Here's wishing you the very best, dear Anya.
Posted by: Mmmm | April 19, 2009 at 05:52 PM