A Dating Saga

I never thought I'd be dating again, unless of course I became a premature widow. But I didn't become one of those; instead I became a ripe on the vine divorcee.  And I'm not complaining about that.  I'm a bazillion times happier than I have been for....oh, at least the last 8 years.

 When FH left, a year ago this May, men were the last thing I thought I'd be interested in thinking about for at least a few years. Maybe longer.  Hell, maybe forever. I felt pretty jaded.  But that must have been a smoke screen in my brain because as you know the minute my friends urged me to join the on- line dating sites, I was enthusiastically off and running.

I think the reason for that was because my heart remembered that before the 5 pretty lousy years and the 3 dreadful years I had a loving, fun and happy relationship with a man.  And this might sound weird to you, not having lived my life, but the fact that FH was unfaithful to me from the very, very beginning in no way actually changes how I remember I felt at the time.  I'm not sure I ever mentioned that particular betrayal, but he dropped that info in my lap just before he left. It didn't mean anything.  We had a great life, you know it didn't mean anything. And of course at the time it was happening, since I didn't know it, it didn't mean anything.  It means something now. This was in addition to the two years of the serious affair, with the person he's with now. But, really, that's not the topic I want to write about, though it may explain why I got into another relationship so quickly. (Though I'm still not sure how it got so monogamous.)

Just out of the gate I met Sam through e-harmony and we connected in many ways.  There are some pretty big differences in our backgrounds and our thinking, but for now this is a fun relationship and I want to keep it healthy and fun, and affectionate.  But I got it in my mind that his overt affection was waning.  I mean, we've only had one big weekend long date a month since December and frankly in my opinion, that isn't much time, and I think the fires ought to burn just as strongly after four months perhaps even stronger than they did the first three months.  I'm going to have to say that after my last bland 8 years, the fires are going to have to burn a long, long time in any meaningful relationship in my future! I may have said something to that effect over spring break.

So when a man right here in my little town contacted me through another dating site for the second time (the first time he contacted me I told him I was involved with someone and wasn't interested), and said would I like to go out for a no strings attached friendly steak dinner with me and my brother and his wife,  I thought, well....no strings....sure, why not? A male friend right here in town could be handy.  My friend Linda knows of his sister in law, so I felt safe in inviting him to my house for a pre dinner drink and chat.  I didn't particularly want to walk into a restaurant and face three strangers cold. And no I didn't mention this to Sam.  Of course I didn't because though I knew it was just a friendly dinner, somehow I figured he wouldn't see it quite the same way.  

Right off the bat as I covertly peeked out a window and watched him walk up to the door, bottle of wine in hand, I was disappointed.  His photo on the net must have been taken at least 8 or 9 years earlier. (Why do on-line daters do that?) I was fairly sure he had added a few inches to his height too.  And, nothing personal if you wear them all the time, but the man had on tennis shoes and I didn't like that so much either. We were going to a nice restaurant for dinner.  Sure it's casual here, but.....well, ok. It's just a personal thing.  I think I have some kind of shoe fetish or something because men's shoes matter inordinately to me.  FH wore cowboy boots all the time and that got on my nerves too.  I like men's shoes to fit the occasion or activity. (Weird? Maybe.)

As we chatted, politics intruded into the conversation. That certainly wasn't my doing, but he rattled on about wanting to nuke half the world for almost our entire "get to know you" time. He was quite radical. By now I'm thinking Oh, dear. Thirty minute drive to town, hour and a half dinner at least, thirty minute drive home. Yikes.  A more seasoned dater might have faked a heart attack or something, but I just felt resignation. And I got all dolled up for this? And, this is strange, he told me he has no real food in his house.  Each week he goes to Safeway and buys frozen dinners for the week to come and that is what he eats every single night. (I'm kind of a fresh food nut.) Well, what about veggies I asked.  Oh, I look for dinners with vegetables in them.  

I'm sure I've mentioned before that I'm still a rock and roller though that includes rock from the 70's through today now rather than just classic rock, and I don't believe that two people can actually be happy together for long if they like greatly divergent music from one another.  Really.  I believe that. When he started the car and turned the cd on, Barbara Streisand was crooning. Sigh. And following that the song "Feelings". Yes, a long night.

At the restaurant for some odd reason, the man who had been ranting expansively about the coming revolution became nearly silent.  Upon stating that he was going to get the steak, his sister in law began her needling, I can't believe you're going to get that. It's too expensive. You won't eat it all. It's too large. etc.  It's always a slow restaurant, and by the time we finally returned to the car for the thirty minute drive to my house, soothed by easy listening music, my cheeks were exhausted from smiling.  On the way home I'm trying to remember what I have recorded on Tivo. It wasn't even eight yet and dinner was at 6.  I'm thinking about three episodes of Amazing Grace and the remainder of that wine he brought, and my p.j.'s. 

The shuffling around on the front stoop by the daters who know the date wasn't stimulating or repeatable, no one's coming in for a night cap, and even a polite hug is out of the question has got to be one of life's most awkward moments.  

By the time I closed the front door, I'm thinking Sam is looking mighty good. Mighty good.  I was feeling sentimental about him, and dialed him up on the phone only to get his answer machine.  So, I got on those p.j.'s. But before settling in front of the telly, I checked my mail.  Sam's not much of an emailer so it wasn't a message from him I was looking for, but there one was.  When I opened it, after telling me he'd left his phone at work, he continued with absolutely the most romantic message he has ever sent me.  After my dry evening, I fairly swooned. What? Has the man got radar? Just what I needed, when I needed it.  

So, I've decided I'll have an extraneous dating hiatus. For the moment.  Just enjoy and bring along Sam.  Certainly until Katy leaves for Nashville.  Really, it takes a lot of energy to date and I don't have all that much extra to spread around just now.

I've got the kid, I've got the one big fat date a month, I've got the house to get ready to sell,  I've got the physical activity to keep up (I have to do that, I gave all my larger clothes away.), I've got my friends to maintain.

Whew!  

 

Comments

[fire byrd]

Brilliant post!!!
I've been on so many utterly foul blind dates over the years, where the time together stretchs like an eternity in front of you,even if it's only a couple of hours.
I can empathise here with you about the tennis shoe man.... ugh!
Yep a hot date a month and all the other things sounds pretty damn good to me.
xx

[fire byrd]

Brilliant post!!!
I've been on so many utterly foul blind dates over the years, where the time together stretchs like an eternity in front of you,even if it's only a couple of hours.
I can empathise here with you about the tennis shoe man.... ugh!
Yep a hot date a month and all the other things sounds pretty damn good to me.
xx

[Carla]

Awesome entry. I hope to never have to try the dating scene again. I can't imagine how it would work especially since I've been married since I was 19. Scary stuff. We have a friend who lost his wife 3 years ago very suddenly which threw him into dating again. He and his wife were together since they were 12 years old. That would be scary. Hang in there, sounds like life is moving on.

[Judy in KY]

Oh Anya! Sometimes an evening "home alone" in your p.j.s is so much better than having a date! That man sounds absolutely unbearable. It sounds like you handled the whole thing as graciously as possible. Thank goodness for Sam's perfect timing... I'm sure his message gave you the lift you needed at the end of that disastrous date.

[anya]

You're right Byrd, it's just enough as it is. I can think of lots more interesting things to do with a Saturday night in the future!

Carla, I was 19 when I got with FH and just 20 when we married. Actually, I've gotta say, this all isn't very scary at all. Early on when I knew we'd split but well before we did, I was a little afraid and thought life would be scary alone, but it's not. I hope your friend finds a companion without having to go through too many dreadful dates!

[anya]

It did, Judy. And I called my friend Linda who freaked out...."Are you ok? Do I need to come pick you up?" because it was just 8. I told her no, I was already home in my pajamas! We had some good laughs.

[susan]

Eeeeewwwwwwwww !! You are one very brave woman.

I was hyperventilating while reading. My idea of a date is when you just happen slowly to get to know someone, someone perhaps who's smack dab in front of you for ages, and suddenly one day, gradually you begin to see them in a different light but you already kinda know who they are and then things slowly, slowly take a romantic turn. Sigh. Dreamer. This planned love business is not at all my cup of tea. You can certainly see why I've been Single-for-such-a-very-long-time girl that and I live in a place with a population of 800 on a good day. Sigh.

On another note were you aware that E-Harmony discriminates against same sex couples. I think that's just shameful and for that reason alone I would never consider using their services.

[Mrs. C]

Ok, I think it's creepy that this guy knows where you live! Imagine a fellow who needs his sister to help him on a date... Yep, you're pretty brave! :]

[anya]

Susan, that dream sounds pretty good. But my town is almost as small as yours and as I've said before it is really a MARRIED town! I didn't know they discriminate. I don't. Frankly they are not as good a site as Match and Plentyoffish, and I've given them instructions to cancel when my current subscription runs out.

Mrs. C, I'm not too worried. That was his sister IN LAW and a lot of people know her here in town plus, the same person sold both him and me our homes. So I took a chance but that was only because of those connections. For someone in another town, I'd always meet on neutral territory.

[Lorie]

I enjoyed reading this post so very much. You have a wonderful style of writing, very easy to relate to on many levels.
About the guy and the date...sorry. But thank God, it was just a date!! I'll bet it felt so verrry good to close the door and let out a sigh of relief. And...drink the rest of the wine!! I agree, thank God for girlfriends!! Truly a blessing. I think you sound remarkably sane despite the many big changes occuring in your life right now. My granny used to say that the only thing in life that you can count on is change...she was a very wise woman. I know that now and am thankful.
Sam's timing does indeed sound perfect...very nice.

[Pherenike]

I really Laughed Out Loud when you mentioned faking a heart attack! What a awkwardly funny evening.

[pam]

I really like hearing those dating-gone-wrong stories that you can laugh about later.Mine were a quarter of a century ago, but I can still remember them like yesterday. Cringeworthy. Such a fun post, and am glad about the Sam email.How delightful that it was romantic.

[Mmmm]

Anya, the issue too of course, is that you re indeed moving. Getting more involved only further complicates that. If you truly can keep expectations down with Sam then it sounds just lovely.He meets a need in you and you in him. You know your limits and can celebrate that which you have.

As for that otehr chap, argh--can you say "ghastly?" Eww. Hey, I'm the same way when it comes to shoes--guys in tennies for a nice dinner? no, no, no. I always waear my nice shoes but then again, rarely do I wear tennies at all. If anything, I'll wear my hiking boots. Hee.

I agree with you on teh music front too. That's always been an issue with me as my tastes do not cover a lot of the classical rock a lot of peeps like. I'd be far happier listening to piano to music and classical most of the time.

Well, godd luck with everything.

[Susan]

Quite quiet ... over there in the mountains.

[Paris]

Thinking of you and wishing you a good weekend. Sam sounds like a really great person. And I am SO with you on the picture that is like, 10 YEARS OLD!! Do they not think you will see that when they arrive??!! gasp! haha =)

**hugs**