That Anger Thing...Awful!

Sometimes having a blog is having pressure.  I began this blog with the intention of writing about how I, a seasoned woman, handles a divorce after a 40 year marriage.  I don't think any divorced women or women who are contemplating divorce read this blog, but I had the idea that my experiences would somehow help another who finds herself going through the same thing. And, like therapy, it gives me a mental cleansing to write about my feelings and experiences. It often actually seems to center me.  So when some things have come up that are especially unpleasant, and about which I feel reluctant to write, I have ignored my beloved blog.  

But I love my blog.  I love my readers (who might have skipped the country by now, I've been so negligent).

So, here's the deal:  I have been just eaten up with anger these last weeks.  I don't think there is anything else that erodes peace of mind and well being more than anger does. It has destabilized me. 

A couple of weeks ago I was told casually that FH and she (they) were moving here to Colorado to a bustling little mountain town to manage a group of radio stations for a man we did business with in the days when we had our company. I was swamped with anger upon hearing that news, and it has only grown more toxic as the days have passed.  I'm actively trying to get through it and banish it from my life because I'm a relentlessly positive person and I need to get this crippling anger off my back.

Do not get the idea that I'm sorry for myself. That isn't the emotion I feel. No it isn't. FH (former husband) left our life of 40 years. For me, an entire adult lifetime.  He took nothing but his guitars and his clothes. He simply left it all behind. Every thing.  And he moved to the southern town where his long term lover lived (my home town!), and acted like I was getting a great deal by getting all that he left. 

 But here I am with a very expensive house I can not sell (the realtors here are not even opening their doors right now), a house that requires a few thousand more dollars to be spent on it before it's actually ready to sell.  I have a half mile gravel driveway to maintain, pastures to be dragged and mowed, a $20,000 tractor that no one wants to buy, art treasures that aren't very marketable now, stocks that are at rock bottom, and the list goes on and on. I have immense baggage.  And I can't just walk away from it like he did. It's my money.  I have to have it.  And frankly, I don't have the same skills as he to go out and just walk into a new career.  I was the back bone.  The detail gal.  The Virgo of our company.  He was the spark.  The electricity.  The smoke in the mirror.  The Aquarian.

I'm angry that he just walked away from everything, a completely free man. Free to begin a new life, free to start a new career. Free. And I have no hope of that until I sell this house of mine.  And I have to figure out how to stay afloat for the years it will probably take to sell this house!  I must think of a way to make money when no one wants to spend money that doesn't actually require me to live in a town, because as you know I live in the fabulous but limiting middle of nowhere, seventeen miles from a tiny town of two thousand people where every third business has gone out of business, unable to make it through this past winter.

Like Scarlet O'Hara I've gotta pull down some velvet drapes and make myself a plan.

It's hard to write about money or rather the lack thereof.   Here's what I think: people who have had to struggle most of their lives or even a portion of their lives seem to have inner resources that those who did not have to struggle lack.  Their spunky, creative, resourcefulness and ability to make it in spite of the odds is a badge of honor really, that only they have a right to wear proudly.  But for those who never had much of a struggle, it is somehow embarrassing to admit they are now flapping in the wind of the economic downturn.  Their self worth is somehow ridiculously entwined with their "wealth". Now, you guys don't worry too much, I'm not going under anytime really soon, but without a plan it would happen.  I'm not going to go forward without a plan.

In many ways this stupid economic disaster that our government has carelessly plunged us all into has, in my case anyway, allowed some of us to wipe out that wayward line of reasoning.  Hell. We're all broke now.  Admit it.  Deal with it.  And, to tell you the truth, I think it's going to make me a better person all in all, with a more serene, a more conscious life once I get the hang of it.  I do. I've just gotta get the hang of it.

Yesterday I took my usual hike up the mountain behind the house.  Usually it clears my head, and in fact frequently fills me with a euphoric enthusiasm that makes me feel like I can take on anything.  Strangely, it's kind of like that misleading feeling I often get in bed in the dark just before falling asleep. I'm sure you know that feeling...

Every thing's possible! What's that all about? Why can't we maintain that spirited, confident, energy in the bright light of our active time?

But after two miles or so I realized that emotionally, I was going the other way. Before long, I was weeping.  I turned off my ipod and just stood there amongst the trees boo hooing big time.  And then I was screaming, cursing (and I'm a great curser, or cusser as we said in the south), and throwing rocks at the trees.  It was a magnificent tantrum!   FH's ears must have been burning like a dry forest fire. But I'll tell ya, the freedom to be able to do that, thanks to the isolation of the mountain, was just exquisite. After awhile I continued to stumble up the rocky trail, wiping tears away when they impeded my progress, stubbornly determined to reach the top. 

Once I did reach the top, and it was difficult...my legs had become so very heavy...I sought out a little stone bluff I love overlooking the box canyon below, and sat there a long while.  The tears finally dried up.  My heart stopped pounding.  My mind quietened.  And while I can't say my anger evaporated, it did greatly soften and I was able to put it into a little self enclosed room of my mind where it will burn itself out and not be able to harm me.  There's nothing like the release of an uninhibited tantrum and the calming hand of mother nature.

Eventually, with a deep sigh and the understanding at my core that I simply can not allow this anger or any other negative emotion or challenge to change my positive course (to where and what I have no idea) I found the road home and headed downhill.  

After a couple of miles I plugged the earphones into my ears, found John Mellencamp's  "Wild Nights" on the ipod, turned it up full blast and stepped up the pace down the hill feeling decidedly lighter on my feet.  

And I still feel better today so I'm pretty sure the worst is behind me.  I'm just looking ahead now.  I'm going to be just fine.  

Comments

[Mrs. C]

I've never BTDT so all I can do is say I'm sorry you're going through this and listen. :[

[Carla]

I can't EVEN imagine what you must be dealing with. Sometimes it does help to let it all out, vent. Things will happen for you. Just know people do care and things are possible. Hang in there.

[Emily]

Tantrums can be really good for the soul, Anya. And to have one in such a perfect place is even better. Times are tough right now, and it's not fair that he got to walk away from it all a free man. But now its time for you to step it up and be the strong, powerful woman I know you are. Your life is just beginning! Yes, you need a plan. And I cant wait to hear what it is! You will come out on top, I know that for certain.
Em

[rachel]

Keep looking ahead, Anya. But not too far ahead - I know from my own experience that when there is so much to overwhelm you, so much loss, anger, and fears for the future, it's often best to just keep putting one step in front of the other, day by day, moment by moment, trusting that it will all come out in the end. And it will, somehow.

[Judy in KY]

Anya, listen to yourself. You were "stubbornly determined to reach the top". It was difficult, but you did it. That's how strong and determined you are.

You have a right to be angry, but you are smart not to let it destroy your spirit. Keep playing your music at full blast. Let it empower you! You have mentioned having friends there. Be with them. You have friends here, too.

[susan]

You like me ... could probably walk away too ... if we "really" had to. Or not put that several thousand into the house ... I've had to make many concessions (mostly financial). I'm still here and that feeling that I'm failing lessens each day that goes by. I'm just trying to believe in me - in me and my dreams.

Keep your dreams in your heart. The other stuff is ...well, just stuff. And I agree with Rachel - one step, one day one moment by moment it's the only way to live. Good things come. Wink

Lots of love S & les Gang

[amy]

FH is going to cheat on the Her too. You know it. Hang in there. "They" keep saying that end of 2009, maybe the summer end, that economy will pick up. your house sounds fabulous, it will sell.

[fire byrd]

Letting go of feelings that have been building up is such a good experience. I think swearing, screaming and crying are almost my best tools in life. Cause they are what make the bad times bearable, when I reach that point where letting go is the only option.
And know one thing Anya, if you are letting go of this rage whenever it builds up to unendurable heights by letting it go you'll never need therapy, so that'll save you some dosh!!!
xx

[pam]

I agree with the above. You'll save your health by letting go of the rage - the more the better.All of this is the messy remains of a broken marriage, and simply a process - a process of you establishing a new and better life. It will all take its own time. Some things can't be hurried, and I think you are doing incredibly well.Your nature is one of clarity, purpose and willpower which is more than can be said for former husband.You'll come out the winner for sure.

[Mim]

Hi Anya
Just checking in to see how you are doing?

[lilly]

Anya, I missed this post. You could write you know because your writing is fabulous. So many women find themselves in the same situation. I wish i could tell you my story but i am in the middle of legal issues so I cannot publically say. Its horrible and I often get like you just did. It is simply part of the grieving process. Its normal. Its a natural reaction to what you have been through. Let it out. Scream and cry and thump the pillow. You will feel better. You have a right to be angry - it will pass and it will give you the leverage you need to move forward. FH is such a coward, his conscience is clear is it that he just walked out with nothing.

Show them, show yourself. You held things together for 40 years. That took skills, courage, resourcefulness and guts. And you still have them in spades. I read a book called A bulletproof spirit. Google it - it has helped me enormously. And your writing helps me too. Take Care!!!

You are a warrior princess just remember that!!

[Braja]

Anya, it's been so long! After the accident I lost touch with many, just now getting back into things...hope you're doing well...missed you :)